Chapter 23: Behind a Closed Door

I glared at her, furious.
Wanting to hit someone and not being able to was unbearable. It was like being a ravenous dog with a piece of fresh meat just out of reach.
Several sweets went into my mouth at once. My teeth crushed them almost instantly.
Sun Wenyuan kept smiling smugly.
Jiajia pulled me back onto the sofa, and the others resumed their singing, showing off as though nothing had happened.
Eventually, Sun Wenyuan put down the microphone and sat down. She took a sip of wine, looking more pleased by the minute as she watched me seethe.
Then she poured wine into another crystal-clear stemmed glass and offered it to me with a smile.
“Yijun, shall we have a drink?”
“I’m not in the mood.”
“Oh, you really are angry. You should learn to be more forgiving.”
The words grated on my ears.
Another sweet went into my mouth.
“Since when have you been so fond of sweets? Careful. Too many will give you a sore throat.”
“My throat’s perfectly fine. You needn’t concern yourself.”
Smiling, she set the glass back on the table. Her eyebrows lifted, and a vicious gleam flashed through her eyes.
She swirled the wine in her own glass.
“It felt good throwing wine over me last time, didn’t it?”
After another sip, she sighed appreciatively.
“This wine’s lovely. What a shame you won’t have any.”
She filled her glass to the brim and turned towards me.
“Cheers.”
A rush of dark red liquid struck me before I could react.
Wine covered my face and soaked my collar.
I shot to my feet.
There were no words for the rage that swept through me. I wanted to tear her apart on the spot.
Then reason caught up.
I couldn’t act on impulse.
Should I hold back or not? The question pulled me in both directions, tormenting me. Any more of this and I would lose my mind. But if I lashed out now, all my earlier restraint would have been for nothing.
And how would I explain it to Ji Feiyang?
While I was still struggling with myself, Sun Wenyuan gave me a hard shove.
I fell back onto the sofa.
“All right, Wenyuan, that’s enough,” Jiajia hurriedly intervened, trying to smooth things over with a smile. “Let’s all calm down. We came out to have fun, didn’t we? Anyway… we’ve been here long enough. We should go.”
Sun Wenyuan looked down at me triumphantly. Her eyes were full of mockery, her smile satisfied with revenge.
After a moment, she strutted past me in her high heels, swaying her hips. The others followed, all fluttering clothes and clicking heels.
The sound gradually faded.
Jiajia patted my shoulder.
“I’m going. See you another day.”
Picking up her bag, she hurried after them.
My tears broke free.
They streamed down my cheeks, mingling with the wine. Some seeped into my mouth, bitter on my tongue.
A little later, the door opened.
Ji Feiyang.
My head dropped at once. I wiped my face, afraid to look up in case he noticed my reddened eyes.
“Are you all right?”
“What could possibly be wrong? I’m perfectly fine.”
I wasn’t about to lay my weakness bare in front of anyone.
All my life, I’d been the one who bullied others. Since when did anyone get to bully Tang Yijun?
“Good… You did well.”
He watched me quietly for a moment, then left.
As soon as he was gone, the tears returned.
For a while longer, I cried over the injustice of it all. Only once I’d calmed down did I leave the room.
Before going to see Ji Feiyang, I stopped at the washroom to clean my face and wash the wine from my clothes as best I could.
In his office, I pulled a large handful of sweet wrappers from my pocket and dropped them onto his desk.
“Look. The results of my hard work.”
He studied the pile.
“You haven’t got any cavities, have you?”
“My teeth are fine.”
I opened my mouth to prove it.
He smiled.
“That can’t have been easy. You must have put up with quite a lot today.”
“You have no idea.”
Picking out a blue wrapper edged in gold, I said indignantly, “This one nearly choked me to death!”
After eating so many sweets lately, I knew exactly which flavour came in each wrapper.
Ji Feiyang smiled at me.
Then he kept looking.
His gaze lingered so long that I began to feel uncomfortable all over.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“No reason. You… you’ve made a lot of progress. I’m impressed. Have you got any plans for tomorrow?”
“I want to see my sister.”
He nodded.
“Then I’ll go with you.”

Early the next morning, we drove to the hospital.
On the way, we stopped outside a florist’s. I went in and chose a bunch of the freshest white lilies.
They were my sister’s favourite flowers. Fresh and quietly elegant, they reminded me of her.
I’d thought that coming with Ji Feiyang might help me get into her room.
But Big Brother was already there, even at this early hour.
Only then did I remember it was Sunday.
“Xueyou needs peace and quiet,” he said. “I don’t want anyone disturbing her.”
“I only want to see her. I won’t disturb her. I promise I’ll be quiet.”
“No.”
He was as cold as ever.
For a while, we stood in silence.
Then he pointed at the lilies in my arms.
“I’ll take those in for you.”
“Thank you.”
I handed them over.
“How is she? Is she any better?”
After a pause, he said, “No change.”
He went inside with the flowers, and the door closed firmly behind him.
It stood between my sister and me like a fortified wall. There was no way through.
Like Big Brother’s heart, it remained closed to me. He wouldn’t even give me a chance to show how sorry I was.
After we’d stood there for a while, Ji Feiyang said, “We should go.”
I refused.
It had taken so long to find the time to visit her. I wanted to stay a little longer, even if I could only stand outside.
Surely she would be glad if she knew I was here.
Just let me keep her company for a little while. Perhaps it would ease some of the guilt.
My sister had always loved me.
Surely she had forgiven me already.
“She’ll get better, won’t she?” I asked Ji Feiyang. “She has to get better. Doesn’t she?”
He nodded.
“Your sister’s strong. One day, she’ll wake up.”
Silently, I prayed.
Please get better. I know I was wrong. I’ll never hurt you again. I’ll be a good sister. I won’t make Mum and Dad unhappy anymore.
Please wake up. When you do, you’ll see how much I’ve changed.
Ji Feiyang stood quietly beside me.
If people’s hearts really could reach one another, my sister must be able to feel me calling to her. She must know how sorry I was.
She would know I was just outside, keeping her company.
After a long time, Ji Feiyang touched my shoulder.
“Come on.”
Still, I didn’t want to leave.
How I longed to open that door, go inside and hold her.
To tell her I missed her.
To beg her to wake up.
The door never opened again.

After leaving the hospital, I didn’t go back to the hotel with Ji Feiyang.
I wanted to walk alone.
But as I walked, loneliness crept over me. And the lonelier I felt, the more I missed home.
I missed Mum and Dad’s boundless affection. I missed the way my brother and sister had always looked after me.
Eventually, I hailed a taxi and went home.
At the familiar gates, I looked up at the two white globe lights on the pillars, each the size of a basketball.
Every evening, they came on as darkness fell.
When they lit up, I knew Dad would soon be home. My sister and Big Brother would be coming back too. We would gather around the dining table and eat together, warm and happy.
The walls were too high to see over. Through the entrance, all I could make out were the rising steps and part of the white roof.
This was the place I knew best.
My home.
Yet I couldn’t summon the courage to go inside.
I’d been at the hotel for so many days, and nobody at home had called even once.
Did they really not want me anymore?
It had never occurred to me that things could come to this.
I’d thought they would spoil me for the rest of my life.
I’d been wilful and unreasonable because I’d believed that, however badly I behaved, I would always be the family’s little princess.