Chapter 19: Outside Her Door

By afternoon, I couldn’t bear it any longer.
“What happened to my sister?” I asked Mrs. Zhuang.
She hesitated and stumbled over her words, but still wouldn’t tell me anything. Growing desperate, I demanded my crutches. If she wouldn’t tell me, I would go and find my sister myself.
Only then did she admit that Xueyou was badly injured.
“How badly?”
“She’s unconscious. She still hasn’t woken up.”
A buzzing filled my head. For a moment, everything seemed to sway.
“It’s my fault,” I sobbed. “It’s all my fault. I did this to her.”
Mrs. Zhuang offered no reassurance. She simply stood beside me, looking sorrowful.
They must all be blaming me.
“I want to see her.”
“Your foot’s injured. You’re a patient yourself. You’d better stay here.”
Mum, Dad and Big Brother were probably all in my sister’s room. The thought of facing them frightened me. How could I look them in the eye after causing something so terrible?
Why had she been hurt worse than me? If I’d been the one badly injured, at least the guilt might have been easier to bear.
“Mrs. Zhuang, please go and see if she’s awake.”
She nodded.
All afternoon, she went back and forth between our rooms. Every half hour, I begged her to check again. Each time, she returned with a sigh and a shake of her head.
The weight on my heart grew heavier.
Mum must be devastated. My sister had always been such a loving, considerate daughter. What if she never woke up? How would Mum bear it?
The day passed in agony.
The next morning, my sister still hadn’t regained consciousness.
While Mrs. Zhuang was out, I slipped out of bed and struggled towards the door on my crutches. Anxiety left me weak, but my hands tightened around the grips.
I had to go. I had to see her.
Planting the crutches ahead of me, I put my weight on them and moved my right foot forward. Then another small step. At one point, my injured foot knocked against something, sending a sharp pain through it. I bit my lip and kept going.
By the time I reached my sister’s room, it had taken all my courage just to knock.
The door opened slowly, revealing Big Brother’s haggard face.
He’d been here all along. Since yesterday, he hadn’t come to my room even once.
There was resentment in his eyes as he looked at me. My courage faltered, and a chill ran down my back.
He hated me.
“Big Brother…”
My lips trembled. The words barely escaped my throat.
He stood rigid in the doorway, his expression cold.
When I shifted my crutches to go inside, his arm barred the way.
“You have no right to go in.”
For a moment, I could only stare at him.
He had always been so kind to me, so protective. How could he say something that cruel? How could he look at me with nothing but anger, as though I were a stranger?
“How… how is she?”
“That’s none of your business.”
His voice seemed to come from very far away.
“What happened to her?” I asked through tears.
He looked at me bitterly, grief etched into his face.
“Thanks to you, she… she may never wake up. She could be left in a vegetative state.”
My hand flew to my mouth.
“No… No, she can’t…”
My mind went blank. A creeping cold spread through my body until I felt numb.
“Go away. She doesn’t need you.”
“Big Brother…”
The door slammed shut.
I sank to the floor, rested my head against it and cried, lost and helpless, until my face was soaked with tears.
Some time later, someone called my name.
“Tang Yijun.”
Looking up slowly through blurred eyes, I saw a tall figure dressed in black. Only after wiping my eyes could I make out his face.
Ji Feiyang stood over me, his gaze cold and a hint of mockery at his mouth.
Had he come to laugh at me?
I struggled to my feet and looked away, pretending not to have seen him. Then I limped off, too heartsick to say a word.
Outside the hospital was a lawn. I sat down on the grass, the breeze stirring my hair. The winter sunshine felt wonderfully warm.
When I tilted my face towards it, the tears on my cheeks caught the light.
A little later, Ji Feiyang came out of the building. Seeing me on the lawn, he walked over.
I turned my head away. The last thing I wanted was for him to see me looking so pathetic—or for me to see that mocking expression again.
“You’ve really done it this time. That temper of yours needs to change.”
“Mind your own business.” I glared at him.
“Still snapping at people? You haven’t learned a thing. I feel sorry for your parents.”
In a burst of fury, I hurled a crutch at him. He stepped aside, and it landed on the grass.
“You really are impossible. Forget it. Talking sense into you is a waste of breath.”
He turned to leave.
“What am I supposed to do?” I burst into tears. “I’ve already done it. It’s already happened. What else can I do?”
He stopped.
Then he came back, bent to retrieve the crutch and held it out to me.
Wiping my tears, I looked up at him. This time, there was no ridicule in his eyes. He looked sincere.
Something warmed inside me as I took it back.
He crouched in front of me, his expression serious.
“Yes, it’s happened. But haven’t you thought about learning from it, so something this terrible never happens again? With your sister in this condition, shouldn’t you be thinking about what you can still do? How to keep the damage from getting any worse?”
“What can I do?”
Hope stirred. Without thinking, I clutched his hand as though it were a lifeline.
“Give your parents a daughter they can depend on.”
My hands fell away.
“I’m not a doctor,” I said, deflated.
“But you are their daughter.”
I looked at him, puzzled.
“You can be thoughtful and responsible too. Learn to be more like Xueyou. Give them a loving daughter who cares about them.”
“Me?”
He nodded firmly.
“Could I… really do that?”
“Of course you could.”
His eyes held such certainty.
“How could I possibly?”
“Why couldn’t you?”
My head drooped.
“My sister’s naturally clever and capable. Wanting to be like her doesn’t mean I can.”
He gave my head a little push, sounding exasperated.
“You can do it if you’re willing to put in the effort.”
I still wasn’t convinced, but I asked, “Then what should I do?”
“Change.”
“Change?”
“Yes. Starting with that temper.”
I gave a sulky snort. He smiled.
“All right. I’ll try.”
For once, I chose to listen to him. Becoming more like my sister would take hard work. Perhaps making that effort would ease some of the guilt.
“It’s windy out here. You should get back inside.”
He helped me up from the grass and accompanied me to my room.
The stairs were a struggle. Each step seemed to take every bit of strength I had. After watching me labour up them, he swept me into his arms.
My heart gave a sudden jump.
He carried me upstairs with little apparent effort. Before long, we were back in my room.
“Where did you go?” Mrs. Zhuang asked anxiously. “I came back and found you gone.”
Ji Feiyang laid me on the bed.
Mrs. Zhuang looked from him to me with a puzzled expression, but didn’t dwell on it. My foot was injured, and we knew each other. People were less old-fashioned these days; being carried by him didn’t have to mean anything.
“Thank you, Mr. Ji.”
“It was nothing. I’ll be going.”
“Take care.”
She saw him to the door.
For some reason, my cheeks had begun to burn. As soon as Mrs. Zhuang returned, I pulled the covers over my face and pretended I wanted to rest.
“Would you like an apple, Miss Yijun? I’ll peel one for you.”
“No… I’m a little tired. I want to sleep.”
My head burrowed further beneath the covers.
“All right. I’ll wash the apples first.”
Under the blanket, I touched my cheeks. They felt warm.
Apart from Dad and Big Brother, Ji Feiyang was the only man who had ever held me in his arms.
I’d been quite composed while he carried me upstairs. Now, for no reason I could understand, my heart wouldn’t settle.
A small, private smile crept over my face.
He really could be kind.
Without meaning to, I began thinking about his dark eyebrows and bright eyes, his nose, his lips, the shape of his chin. The faint scent that clung to him. The brilliant smile he gave when he was being friendly.
I must have lost my mind.
With my eyes open, I thought about him. With them closed, he was still there: his tall figure, his broad chest.
Only a little while ago, my head had rested against that chest. He’d held me in his arms.
We’d been so close.