Chapter 14

again. I was so happy. I thought this time you could finally have a good life…”

She gripped my hand.

“I thought you’d finally found happiness.”

My nose stung.

She was like me. We had both made this wedding the only proof that I was happy again.

No wonder its cancellation frightened her more than it frightened me.

Shiye was plainly no longer the man he had been. Every time I went home, I looked more tired. Yet Mom had never dared ask whether I was truly happy.

And I always smiled and said I was fine.

“Mom, I’m thirty.” I tried to keep my voice steady. “I have a job, an income, a life of my own. I won’t starve if I don’t marry.”

She shook her head fiercely.

“I’m not afraid you can’t survive. I’m afraid you won’t be happy.”

I put my arms around her.

“But Mom… I haven’t been happy lately.”

She went rigid.

I closed my eyes.

“Every time Shiye said he didn’t want to marry me, I was scared. Scared of people asking why I couldn’t find a husband. Scared of pity from friends and relatives. More than anything, scared I’d be back where I was five years ago, unable to begin again.”

Tears ran down my face.

“So I threw myself into this wedding. Checking schedules, choosing things, talking to staff every day. I thought holding it successfully would prove I wasn’t still trapped in that grief. But I don’t think I ever seriously asked myself…”

I stopped, choking, then continued softly.

“…whether, once the wedding was over, I truly wanted to spend the next few decades with Xue Shiye.”

Mom stopped trying to persuade me.

She only held me tight. After a long time, she managed:

“Then don’t marry him.”

I opened my eyes.

“Mom?”

She stroked my hair.

“I’ve grown old and foolish. I was so eager to see you leave in a wedding gown that I forgot to ask whether you’d be happy afterward.” Her eyes were red. “I won’t hurry you anymore, Wangshu. If you don’t want to marry, come home with me.”

I finally broke down.

Not because the wedding was gone.

Because I suddenly understood that letting go of what I thought I had to cling to wasn’t nearly as frightening as I had imagined.

—

### 13

11:42.

Zhixia took Mom out to rest.

I sat alone before the dressing-room mirror. My makeup was smudged. I wiped away the mascara beneath my eyes with a tissue.

The woman in the mirror wore a white wedding gown, her hair neatly pinned up.

She looked like any bride about to walk down the aisle.

But nobody would take my hand and walk in with me today.

Strangely, that no longer hurt quite so much.

A hesitant knock came from outside.

“Wangshu.”

Lin Yingqiao.

I turned.

She had changed out of the formal dress for her speech into a pale long dress. Gone were her triumph and self-righteous certainty. She stood awkwardly in the doorway.

“May… may I come in?”

I nodded.

She came over.

“About earlier… I’m sorry.”