So That's How It Is — Chapter 2

I washed the vegetables slowly, then began to slice them. The blade passed close to my fingertips, yet my heart was strangely calm. The wound in my abdomen still hurt. My lower back began to ache from standing for so long, but my hands never stopped moving.

I arranged the sliced Chinese yam on a plate. Every piece was nearly the same thickness, delicate curved slivers laid out on white porcelain. I filled a bowl with bamboo shoots, sliced so thin they were almost translucent; held to the light, their pale green veins were visible.

Last came the pigeon soup with Chinese yam and goji berries. It had simmered over a low flame for more than an hour. Golden beads of oil floated across the milky broth. My wrist trembled slightly as I carried out the pot. Qingxing reached to help, but I stopped her.

I sent all the servants away. I even told Qingxing to go to the outer courtyard.

The flower hall fell silent. One half of the window remained open. Crabapple blossoms filled the branches outside, and the wind sent a few petals spinning into the room to settle across the clean blue-brick floor.

I set out bowls and chopsticks for four, then brought the dishes to the table one by one: wood ear mushrooms stir-fried with Chinese yam, bamboo shoots with cured pork, steamed sea bass, and, in the center, a full pot of pigeon soup. Red goji berries floated on top, bright as little beads.

At noon, Xu Jingshu and Meng Chengzhang entered together.

Xu Jingshu wore a moon-white jacket embroidered around the collar with curling lotus vines. She looked a little better than she had yesterday.

Meng Chengzhang walked beside her in a sapphire-blue brocade robe. A white jade pendant hung at his waist—the one I had chosen for him last year. As soon as he came in, he looked at me and frowned.

“Lingyi, why are you still so pale? Did the physician say what caused it?”

I smiled and greeted him.

“Come sit down, Brother. We can talk after. I feel much better. I was in good spirits today, so I thought I’d cook a meal myself to thank you both.”

Chu Jibai arrived last. He wore a blue-gray robe. His eyes paused on my face for a moment, then shifted away. He sat down at the table by himself and said nothing.

The four of us sat around the round table. Chu Jibai was beside me, while my brother and sister-in-law sat opposite. I ladled soup into each of their bowls. Steam rose from them, and through the white haze I could barely make out their faces.

“What made you think to cook today, Lingyi?” Xu Jingshu asked. She took a small taste and looked at me with a gentle smile. “When you were still at your parents’ home, you used to keep your distance the moment you saw the kitchen fire.”

“Who stays the same forever?”

I smiled and lifted my bowl.

“Sister-in-law, try the bamboo shoots too. They took a lot of effort.”

Perhaps they thought I had come to terms with what happened. The relief on each of their faces grew.

Meng Chengzhang tasted the soup and praised it. “It really is delicious. You’re almost as good at cooking as your sister-in-law.”

I lowered my eyes with a soft smile and did not answer.

Chu Jibai spoke to me again.

“Lingyi, about what happened that day… If there’s still anything weighing on your heart, you don’t have to force yourself to endure it. Tell me.”

I looked up at him.

He rarely spoke to me so gently. His brows and eyes held an apologetic look, and even as he spoke he seemed careful and hesitant.

In the past, my eyes would have turned red at once. I would have thrown myself into his arms and cried out all the grievances I had endured over the past half month.

“I have no grievances,” I said. “I stopped thinking about it long ago.”

Xu Jingshu seemed reassured and followed my lead.

“Lingyi is blessed. She married a husband like Jibai, and has Chengzhang to protect her as her elder brother. There are many good days ahead. For now, just focus on getting your health back.”

Chu Jibai glanced at her, then turned his gaze to me. His voice grew even gentler.

“Don’t keep thinking about children either. I never particularly wanted any. Even if it’s just the two of us, can’t we still live our lives as usual?”

How considerate of him.

I tightened my grip on my chopsticks until my fingertips turned white, but the smile on my face did not fade.

Meng Chengzhang laughed. “Listen to that. Your husband treats you so well, he’s even outdone your own brother when it comes to cherishing you.”

For a moment, the flower hall was full of warmth and laughter. Porcelain bowls chimed beneath the chopsticks. Steam rose from the soup, and crabapple petals drifted through the window. Anyone looking in would have thought it a harmonious family meal.

I watched them quietly.

Xu Jingshu put a piece of Chinese yam in her mouth. Meng Chengzhang ladled himself another half bowl of soup. Chu Jibai slowly chewed the bamboo shoots I had sliced with my own hands.

I silently counted the time.

About the time it takes to drink a cup of tea later, Meng Chengzhang was the first to put down his chopsticks. He rubbed his forehead and muttered, “Why do I suddenly feel so dizzy?”

Xu Jingshu gripped the edge of the table. Her face quickly paled.

“Me too. My head feels so heavy, and my legs are weak…”

Chu Jibai suddenly looked toward me. His eyes were clear for only a moment before growing dazed as well.

He braced himself against the table and tried to stand. He could not even get upright. He staggered twice, then sank back into his chair.

“Lingyi…” He struggled to force out the two syllables.

Without haste, I set down my chopsticks and rose from my seat.

A chair leg scraped against the blue-brick floor. I walked around the table and stopped in front of the three of them.

They slumped against their chair backs, their unfocused gazes fixed on me. They seemed not to understand what was happening, yet a trace of unease had begun to surface.

“Why are you panicking?” I said softly. “It’s only a bit of sleeping medicine. I even made a special trip to a pharmacy in the western part of the city this morning. The old physician who sold it thought someone in my household was ill and sleeping poorly at night. He even asked me a few questions.”

Meng Chengzhang struggled to lift his eyelids. His lips moved several times before he managed to speak. “Lingyi, what… what are you trying to do?”

I had already hidden a length of hemp rope beneath the armchair. I bent down and took it out. It was coarse and thick because I feared they might still have enough strength to struggle free.

I went behind Chu Jibai, pulled his hands behind him, and tied them to the chair.

He struggled a little, but the medicine had taken hold. His arms were limp and powerless.

“Lingyi,” he rasped. “Tell me, what is it you want?”

I ignored him and turned to tie up Meng Chengzhang.

Fear finally appeared in my brother’s eyes. He looked at me as if I were a stranger.

“Lingyi… Look at me. I’m your own brother…”

“I haven’t forgotten.” I bent to bind his wrists tightly. His fingers had gone cold. He shuddered when I touched them.

“Brother,” I said gently.

After tying Meng Chengzhang, I went to Xu Jingshu.

Tears covered her face, but she was crying without a sound. Her lips trembled again and again, yet she could not piece together a complete sentence.

I tied her hands behind the chair as well. She leaned crookedly against its back, unable even to sit upright.

All three were securely bound. The only sounds in the flower hall were their heavy breathing and Xu Jingshu’s muffled sobs.

I returned to my place and sat down across from them. Half the meal remained on the table. The pigeon soup had gone cold, a thin skin of oil forming on its surface. In the light from the window, it looked gray-white.

10.

“Lingyi.” Chu Jibai was the first to recover enough to speak clearly. His voice was hoarse, but steady. “If you blame me for what happened that day, I’ll accept it. If you want to hit or curse someone, take it out on me alone. Whatever you do, don’t hurt Jings… Don’t hurt your brother and sister-in-law.”

I studied his face.

Sunlight revealed his handsome, refined features: high brows, a cleanly defined jaw.

I used to think I could never tire of looking at this face. I believed there was no man in the world to compare with him.

“Yesterday,” I heard myself say. My voice was so low it seemed to drift through the air. “I went to the garden. I heard everything you said beneath the flowers.”

Xu Jingshu suddenly lifted her head. The last trace of color vanished from her face.

“Every word.” I spoke slowly, one word at a time. “I heard why you agreed to marry me. It was for my sister-in-law. Even the handkerchief you always keep hidden close to your body, the one you won't let anyone touch, was a gift from Xu Jingshu. Do I need to say any more about who matters to you?”

The flower hall fell completely silent.

Meng Chengzhang stared at Chu Jibai, his gaze nearly boring into his face.

Xu Jingshu began to cry even harder. She opened her mouth, then stopped. After a long while, she managed to say, “Lingyi, let your sister-in-law explain…”

“Sister-in-law.” I tilted my head and cut her off. “Why did you insist on matching Chu Jibai and me in the first place? You chose my brother, then felt indebted to him, so you wanted to use me to repay that debt. Isn't that right?”

She could not utter a single word.

I looked at Meng Chengzhang. “Brother, you knew all along, didn't you? You knew the person he cared about was your wife. You understood why Chu Jibai came to ask for my hand, but you said nothing and watched me step happily into his household.”

Meng Chengzhang closed his eyes. His throat moved with difficulty.

“Lingyi… Your brother was indeed in the wrong. But Jibai has treated you…”

“Kindly?” I asked with a laugh. “Tell me, how? He married me because of Xu Jingshu. He only put me in his house to look at me. How is that any different from keeping a decoration?”

Chu Jibai immediately cut in. “I never treated you like a decoration.”

His voice was very low. Each word seemed to take an effort.

“Since I married you, I never intended to mistreat you. I would have treated you well and lived out the rest of our lives with you.”

“The rest of our lives?” I lowered my eyes and touched my lower abdomen. Through my clothes, I pressed against the scar. “Is this the lifetime you promised me? You left me for the bandits to strike, and now I can never have my own child. Is that what you call treating me well?”

Chu Jibai's face went deathly pale.

11.

“I used to be foolish. All I knew was how to act spoiled and make a fuss…” I stood and walked to the cabinet in the corner, where I took out a dagger from the very bottom.

I had taken it from the kitchen. The cook had sharpened its blade.

I drew it from its sheath. Its surface reflected my face: deathly pale, eyes red but no longer spilling tears.

“Only today have I truly seen myself clearly,” I said as I walked toward them. “I hold a grudge. After all the pain you've made me suffer, you can't expect me to swallow it alone. Someone has to pay with their life.”

At the sight of the blade, Chu Jibai's pupils contracted.

“Lingyi, can you put the knife down? Whatever grievance you have, tell me calmly.”

I walked up to him without answering, raised the dagger, and plunged it into his right leg.

Chu Jibai let out a low groan. His whole body stiffened. The veins on his forehead stood out as he trembled violently, his teeth clenched.

Blood ran along the blade and soaked through his blue-gray robe, then trickled down his leg to pool on the blue-brick floor.

“Meng Lინგyi!” my brother cried out, his voice breaking with fear. “Have you truly gone mad?”

“My mind has never been clearer.” I withdrew the blade. A few drops of blood splashed onto my sleeve, warm even through the fabric.

I circled around to Meng Chengzhang and looked down at him.

12.

I stood and turned toward Xu Jingshu, walking over to her.

She was trembling uncontrollably. Her moon-white jacket was blotched with tears and sweat. She cowered in her chair and looked at me, with nowhere to flee.

Her mouth kept moving. Again and again, she called, “Lingyi… Lingyi…”

I stopped in front of her and raised the dagger.

“Meng Lingyi!” Chu Jibai suddenly roared. He struggled forward with all his strength, the ropes digging into his wrists, but he did not stop. “You are not to touch her! Take it all out on me!”

I turned and glanced at him.

His face was drenched in sweat. Disheveled strands of hair clung to his forehead. His red eyes fixed on the knife in my hand for an instant, then hurried back to Xu Jingshu. His worry for her was impossible to hide; anyone could see it at a glance.

I suddenly found it laughable.

“Chu Jibai,” I called to him. “Do you remember that day outside Qingyun Temple? You looked at her exactly the same way.”

Chu Jibai went rigid.

“The three of you— you and her, along with my brother—were perfectly in step.” I held the blade beside Xu Jingshu's face. She trembled and tried to turn away. Her tears ran over the back of my hand. “You could have stayed friends. You could have cherished each other in secret. Why did you have to sacrifice me to make it possible? My life has already been ruined. Don't blame me for being ruthless.”

I moved my hand slightly. The blade slid across the left side of Xu Jingshu's beautiful face.