Chapter 5

I was terribly embarrassed. I lowered my voice.

“Why don’t you get back to work?”

He smiled.

“I’m not busy.”

My face turned red, though I tried to keep my expression calm.

“Then should we go home early today?”

Shen Yan didn’t answer.

Instead, he asked me another question.

“Song Tong and the others said they want to meet you. Do you want to go?”

10

Song Tong—

She was my closest friend. We’d grown up together in the same residential compound.

Recently, Shen Yan had taken me to all sorts of events, constantly bringing me into public view.

He made no attempt to hide me.

He introduced me to everyone openly.

Before long, everyone knew.

The pure-hearted, celibate Buddhist devotee had found a substitute who looked remarkably like his dead childhood sweetheart.

He doted on her.

He had even given her the strand of beads he’d worn for years.

So it was only natural that Song Tong and the others wanted to meet me.

I thought it over for a long time, then nodded.

“Let’s go.”

He nodded, turned my chair so I was facing him, and bent close with a soft laugh.

“Then I’ll have to make you wait a little longer before we go home, Ruannuan.”

That day,

when I left the office, my heart was pounding and my whole body felt weak.

“…”

It had been a long time.

The girls who had grown up with me all had careers of their own now.

One was a diplomat. Another had started a company. Someone else had her own studio…

In short, they were all doing well.

Before meeting them,

I’d thought they would resent me as a “substitute.”

Perhaps Shen Yan had warned them beforehand.

No one mentioned Yan Xi.

No one made things difficult for me.

Everyone was very friendly.

Especially Song Tong, who had been my closest friend.

When she saw me, she froze for a moment, then suddenly became incredibly enthusiastic.

She pulled me along and talked without stopping.

She told me what had been happening in her life.

She told me about Shen Yan.

A few times, her eyes even reddened as she spoke.

For a moment,

I almost felt as though she had recognized me.

But then the conversation abruptly shifted.

“Oh, right. Four years ago, Shen Yan brought home a girl.”

“What?”

“She was only about fifteen or sixteen. I’ve met her before—such a tiny thing. I heard she was from a family in the mountains that favored sons over daughters. Her name was Lin Shanshan. Shen Yan brought her here and sponsored her education.”

“For the past few years, Shen Yan has kept himself very proper. She’s the only girl who’s been by his side, so everyone says she might marry into the Shen family someday.”

“You should probably keep an eye on her.”

I nodded.

“All right.”

When Song Tong saw that I looked unhappy, she comforted me.

“It’s really nothing. Shen Yan definitely doesn’t like her.”

11

I nodded.

But I couldn’t help remembering the news White Impermanence had brought me in the Yellow Springs.

He had said a woman had appeared by Shen Yan’s side.

Song Tong had said the same thing.

For the past four years, that girl had been beside Shen Yan.

If she weren’t important,

Shen Yan wouldn’t have kept her near him.

Not for four years.

If Shen Yan had really fallen for someone else…

I stroked the Buddhist beads around my wrist.

Then I wouldn’t need to waste any more time here.

It felt as if two little people inside me were arguing endlessly.

One insisted Shen Yan could never love anyone else.

The other thought five years had passed; it wasn’t impossible that he had changed.

And so,

my thoughts grew more and more tangled.

Without noticing, I drained the glass of wine on the table.

I’d never had a particularly good tolerance for alcohol.

And this body, which had never been trained to drink, was worse than useless.

So when Shen Yan arrived,

I was already sprawled on the sofa, half-conscious.

I felt him touch my face.

His arm slipped beneath my knees, and he lifted me into his arms.

After a few jostling steps,

Song Tong’s voice came closer from somewhere behind us.

“I’ve told Yan Xi about Lin Shanshan. If she was able to come back, she must have suffered a lot.”

“Besides, you and I both know she came back for you. I don’t want you to deceive her. If there’s any misunderstanding, clear it up soon. Whatever decision Yan Xi makes, I’ll support her.”

Shen Yan was silent for a moment, then thanked Song Tong.

“Don’t worry. I’ll never let her down.”

When I woke again,

I found myself lying on the large bed in the bedroom.

I frowned slightly, got up, and walked outside.

Shen Yan was making hangover soup.

I rushed over and wrapped my arms around him.

He caught me by instinct and asked softly, “You’re awake? Do you feel sick?”

I shook my head, then nodded.

Shen Yan was clever enough to understand what those two gestures meant almost immediately.

He explained without waiting for me to ask.

“I brought Lin Shanshan here. Her family lives in the mountains, and her parents favored their son. I brought her here to sponsor her education, nothing more.”

I gave a huff.

I wasn’t going to let him off that easily.

“Who knows? Maybe you see her as a child bride you’re raising.”

Shen Yan laughed in exasperation and tapped me lightly.

“Don’t you know who I want to keep?”

I turned away, unconvinced.

“I don’t. You’re raising a girl, and keeping a substitute who looks exactly like your childhood sweetheart.”

“Doesn’t what you’re doing dishonor your childhood sweetheart who died?”

“If she knew you’d found a substitute, she’d be so angry she’d come back to life!”

Shen Yan stroked my head and smiled indulgently.

“Are you standing up for yourself?”

I struggled slightly out of his arms.

My eyes widened as I stared at him.

After a long moment, I swallowed and stammered, “W-what are you saying?”

This time, Shen Yan patiently repeated himself.

When he saw me avoid his gaze,

he sighed.

“Xi Xi, I don’t know why you refuse to admit that you’re you.”

“But if you don’t want me to recognize you, I’m willing to play along. I can pretend I haven’t recognized you. I can pretend I don’t know.”

“But that doesn’t mean I actually went looking for a substitute. During the five years you were gone, all sorts of people tried to bring girls who looked like you in front of me. I wouldn’t even look at them.”

“I didn’t take you away from that bar because I was attracted to your looks.”

“You’re the one I love. It has nothing to do with your appearance. Your bearing, your gestures, your habits—they’re all unchanged. From the very first glance, I knew you had come back.”

I stared at him in shock.

For a moment, I forgot how to speak.

The wine cleared from my head by a few degrees.