Chapter 8 The Night Before

Warmth rose in my chest.

I had got through the conversation with my own family too.

With my parents behind me, more than half the weight hanging over my heart had lifted.

By the time I left their house, dusk had settled over the rooftops.

The carriage carried me slowly back to the Zhenbei residence.

Everything was ready.

We needed only to wait for Grand Tutor He to set a departure date.

But I knew something else as well.

From now on, the distance between my husband and me would only grow.

* * *

Almost before I knew it, autumn was drawing to a close.

At last, word came from the Grand Tutor’s household: they would leave for the south in three days.

The news set the Zhenbei residence bustling.

Servants checked the luggage and prepared the carriages. Supplies arrived in my courtyard one after another.

Trunks were stacked in piles, almost filling half the side room.

Dalang had been excited for days. He kept asking Qinghe about the sights and customs of Nanshan, and leafing through his books, murmuring that he would soon be studying with Grand Tutor He.

My own feelings grew more complicated by the day.

In three days, I would leave the house where I had lived for seven years and go a thousand miles away.

There was relief.

There was also a sorrow I could not put into words.

This place had held the dreams of my girlhood. We had known gentle days here too, two childhood sweethearts living as husband and wife.

The day before we were due to leave, I took Dalang to Rongshou Hall to say goodbye to his grandmother.

I had carefully instructed him beforehand.

He must make a proper farewell, and promise her himself that he would write each month to tell her he was safe.

He must never neglect his duty to her.

If she went two or three months without a letter from him, it would mean something had happened.

She had to know that.

Dalang remembered everything.

He stood straight and bowed deeply to her.

“Grandmother.”

She looked at him with longing in her eyes and stroked his head.

“You’re going a thousand miles away, over rough roads.

“You must listen to your mother, study diligently, and not be naughty.”

He looked up and answered solemnly.

“I’ll remember, Grandmother.

“While I’m away studying, you must take care of yourself.

“I’ll write to you every month. I won’t miss a single letter.

“If you don’t receive one for two or three months, you must look into it carefully.

“It will be because the servants have been lazy and haven’t delivered my letters.

“Please remember that.”

She looked a little startled.

Her eyes softened, but there was worry in them too.

With a quiet sigh, she took a smooth jade pendant from her person and hung it around Dalang’s neck.

“Keep this with you. May it keep you safe.

“Be careful in everything you do away from home.”

Dalang thanked her.

He stayed and talked with her for a long while before leaving with me.

Night came slowly.

Pale moonlight lay like water over the blue-gray courtyard stones.

After dark, my husband sent word that he wished to sit with me for a while.

I dismissed most of the maids. Only Qinghe stayed, keeping watch outside the door so that no one would disturb us.

Two candles lit the room. Their flames flickered, casting our shadows on the wall.

He wore everyday clothes.

As he entered, his gaze passed over the trunks stacked by the wall.

After a silence, he said, “You’ll be leaving the day after tomorrow.”

“Yes.”

I lowered my eyes and lifted my teacup, feeling its warmth against my fingertips.

“The Grand Tutor’s party is ready. We’ll go south with him.”

My husband went to the window and looked out into the dark.

Moonlight touched the side of his face.

“A-Yun, you’ve really made up your mind.”

His voice was low and a little weary.

“I know the concubine has hurt you.

“But I’ve thought it over. Once she comes here, I won’t give her too much favor.

“You’ll still hold the authority in the household.

“Why must you go a thousand miles away and leave me?”

I sighed.

“It isn’t that you haven’t treated me well.

“It’s something in myself that I can’t get past.”

I looked up at him.

“When I was young, I always believed we could be together, just the two of us, for our whole lives.

“I’m not going to Nanshan to sever my ties with you.

“I only want somewhere to live in peace.”

“In peace.”

He repeated the words with a bitter smile.

“A thousand miles away, in an unfamiliar place—how can you be sure of peace?

“With so many mountains and rivers between us, if anything happens, I may not be able to help you in time.”

* * *

“Dalang and I are going to study, not to war. You needn’t worry so much.”

Something shifted in his eyes.

He was silent for a long while before coming to stand before me. He studied my face as though he wanted to hold its image deep in his memory.

“Seven years of marriage. We grew up together.

“I never thought we would come to this.”

The memories of our childhood rose before me.

Walking in a garden, he had once blocked a rolling stone for me.

On our wedding night, he had made me a promise.