Chapter 3

“The Senior Princess is holding a banquet next month. The empress will attend too. She's heard you've returned and has been wanting to meet her niece.”

Mother added that this wasn't merely a flower-viewing banquet.

The princess was preparing to open a school for women and wanted to select her first pupils from the capital's noble families.

She was using the banquet to meet girls of suitable age from the various households.

At this, Mother frowned again.

“The princess is so exalted that no one dares stop her doing what she wishes. But what use is so much study to a woman? It's only inviting hardship.”

She lifted her tea and gently blew across the surface.

“Wan'er is clever and diligent, yet even she stopped wanting to study at fourteen. If she couldn't bear it, how long will other girls last?”

After a pause, she seemed to remember something.

“Your brother hates studying too. But a man must read to enter official life. However hard or tiring it is, he can only grit his teeth.”

I said nothing.

My thoughts had already flown to the school that hadn't yet opened.

The princess was choosing pupils.

At the thought, I gripped my sleeve.

Fields, fodder, manure, pigs—I had endured every kind of hardship.

However difficult books were, could they be harder than working a whole day in the fields on an empty stomach?

Suddenly, I wanted to try.

Even if I learned only to read accounts and write my name, I wouldn't have to pretend indifference the next time someone brought out a storybook.

But almost as soon as the thought formed, I remembered that I didn't know even the simplest characters.

The princess wanted noble daughters.

Those girls had tutors from childhood. They knew music, chess, poetry, and painting.

If I sat beside them, they might finish an entire essay before I recognized all the characters on the page.

My face burned.

I hurriedly lowered my head, afraid Mother might notice.

6

On the day, the capital's distinguished families gathered.

Lin Wanrou came with her two children.

Everyone surrounded her and her husband, Pei Jingzhao, praising them as a match made in Heaven.

Father and Mother were so occupied with their grandchildren that they forgot me.

The empress was the first to notice me sitting alone.

She beckoned with a smile.

“You look full of life. A spirited child.”

The Senior Princess smiled too.

“Like a green pine that has weathered wind and frost.”

At their words, my hands finally relaxed.

Halfway through the banquet, Mother remembered me and brought the twins over.

She told me to grow closer to them. We were family, after all.

But I couldn't feel much closeness.

After playing with them briefly, I excused myself to use the privy.

When I returned, the garden was in uproar.

The little girl had fallen into the water.

Fortunately, she had been rescued quickly and now lay in Lin Wanrou's arms, crying without stopping.

Her brother stood nearby, his face wet with tears.

Mother questioned him anxiously.

“What happened? Didn't I tell He'er to watch you? Where did she go? How did Ningning fall in?”

Frightened by the barrage, he lowered his head and wouldn't speak.

Every adult's gaze fixed on him. He grew more afraid.

Then he saw me and burst into tears.

He pointed.

“It was Auntie! Auntie He'er pushed Ningning into the water! She pushed her!”

Silence fell.

Before I could open my mouth, Mother's slap landed hard across my face.

My ears rang.

By the time I steadied myself, I heard only her furious scolding.

“I thought you were merely petty and resentful of Wan'er. I never imagined you'd hurt a child! What a heart of stone!”

At thirteen, after losing my adoptive mother, I had hidden beneath the quilt and wept, missing her arms and their scent of green grass.

At twenty, hearing that my birth mother was alive, I had felt half joy and half fear that she wouldn't acknowledge me.

Only in that moment did I learn that a birth mother might amount to no more than this.

My eyes stung.

I blinked and actually laughed.

“I was at the privy. Ask Ningning's matron and my maid how she fell. The truth should be easy to establish.”

To my surprise, all the servants dropped to their knees in panic.

Not one would speak.

The silence was so deep I could hear breathing.

Only then did I understand: in the ducal household or the marquis's, not one servant was mine.

A pleasant banquet had become a farce.

Mother was anguished and furious. Lin Wanrou held her child and wept as though her heart would break.

Pei Jingzhao looked as though he wanted to flay me alive.

Pei Jingxing stood behind Lin Wanrou, his expression cold.

Fortunately, when I looked around and found no help, someone was still willing to tell the truth.

7

“What a coincidence. I've been in the pavilion listening to music all day. I saw everything that happened by the lake.”

In a few words, the Noble Consort explained it all.

The children had been playing. The boy accidentally pushed his sister.

Afraid of punishment, he blamed me.

Once the truth emerged, he cried harder. Lin Wanrou was concerned only with comforting him.

Mother lowered her eyes and wouldn't meet mine.

Back at the residence, she brought ointment, her face full of guilt.

“He'er, if you still want to return to Qingzhou, I'll certainly send someone to take you this time.”

In their eyes, my staying here would only cause more trouble and disturb this family's peace.

I looked at her, gritted my teeth, and shook my head.

When I spoke, my throat kept closing.

“Madam, simply because I grew up in the country, can you decide I'm crude and vicious?”

“Do you think I'm inferior to Wanrou in everything? I like beautiful clothes too. I want scented cream and face powder. I want to learn music, chess, poetry, and painting. To be educated, know manners, and understand things.”

“I've only raised pigs. I don't have her learning. Is that my crime?”

“Must a girl who grew up raising pigs be forbidden to do anything else all her life?”

“I don't want to leave now. I want to stay and study.”

“Madam, I don't want everyone looking down on me because I can't read.”

“Please return the share that should have been mine.”

“I want to enter the princess's school and start with recognizing characters. I'm willing to endure the hardship my brother speaks of. I want to see how far a pig-rearing girl who knows nothing can go.”

8

After hearing the words I had held inside for so long, Mother awkwardly turned away.

Her lips moved several times, as though she wanted to defend herself.

In the end, she only sighed.

But this time, she finally did something practical.

She secured me a place at the princess's academy.

It stood on Xiangshan. Once enrolled, pupils had to live on the mountain for three years.

Except for festivals or serious family matters, they couldn't leave at will.

For days before my departure, Mother busied herself.

Clothes, bedding, brushes, ink, medicines—she packed them into the carriage one by one, afraid of forgetting anything.

Even when the trunks were full, she wasn't reassured. For several nights, she tossed and turned without sleeping well.

On departure day, she personally checked everything again.

Only after searching the last trunk did she ask anxiously, “He'er, have you really thought this through? Three years. You'll be twenty-three when you finish. How will we arrange a marriage then?”

My answer was decisive.

“Then I won't marry at all.”

She paused, apparently wanting to persuade me.

Meeting my eyes, she finally said nothing.

She lowered her head, neatly folded the clothes she had removed, and put them back.

Slowly and carefully, she smoothed even the corners.

I knew she truly wanted to compensate me.

She was trying to learn to be a good mother.

But twenty years of favoritism had become a habit.

What she gave Lin Wanrou came without thought or expectation of return.

With me, she always had to consider whether she should and whether it was worth it.

Even doing her best, she gave me less than a tenth of what Lin Wanrou received.

Before, I hadn't understood.

I thought that if I were more sensible, more obedient, she would eventually love me the same.

Now I finally understood that this was probably all she could give.

If I kept holding out my hand, I would only distress her and hurt myself.

Then there was no need to force it.

A fine rain began as the carriage set out.

Mother saw me to the gate herself.

Her health was poor. After a short time in the rain, she grew paler, even her fingers bloodless around the umbrella handle.

I was about to board when she called.

“He'er.”

I turned.

After a long hesitation, she asked softly, “Why... don't you call me Mother anymore?”

I looked at her quietly.

Unlike before, a little weakness from her no longer made me relent.

After a moment, I smiled faintly.

“I once called you Mother sincerely. I called them Father and Brother sincerely too.”

“But now, I want to take all three names back.”

She stood still, grief filling her eyes.

At Xiangshan Academy, I made friends with many noble girls.

They were all younger than me.

Hearing my origins, they were curious and sympathetic.

When I didn't want to answer, Xie Yunshu, daughter of the Left Chancellor, stopped them for me.

She impatiently dragged me away and opened with, “I simply don't like Lin Wanrou.”

I stared at her.

Lin Wanrou's talents were famous throughout the capital. Her nature was gentle. Many noble girls either admired her or were close to her.

Xie Yunshu pouted.

“Yes, I know. Everyone says you can't blame her for the exchange. The midwife caused it. She's innocent. No one should resent her.”

“But I don't like her. She occupied someone else's place and took someone else's whole life. Yet she can make everyone pity her, while the person who really suffered isn't even allowed to hate her.”

“Why should she have every good thing in the world?”

Xie Yunshu had read widely.

Word by word, she could express grievances I couldn't name.

The tightness that had long filled my chest suddenly loosened.

I did dislike Lin Wanrou.

She might be innocent.

I simply couldn't like her.

Whenever I noticed that hatred, I had thought my own heart frighteningly ugly.

As though refusing to like her made me the one at fault.

Xie Yunshu said, “If you dislike her, dislike her. If you don't want closeness, keep your distance. Your heart belongs to you. Why let someone else arrange it?”

Exactly.

So what if I was petty? So what if I wasn't kind enough?

I wasn't perfect.

I didn't have to force myself to live as someone who was.