Chapter 4

The next morning, Pan Shuwei handed me a bottle of soy milk.

“Have some breakfast. You’ll need the energy for the show later.”

We hadn’t released an album yet, but the company had already begun booking us on television, mainly so people would get used to our faces.

“Please welcome the three adorable, lively members of Angel Girls!”

As soon as we appeared, we struck innocent, playful poses. Cheers rose from the audience.

“They really are adorable!”

I wasn’t being myself. I was a sensitive child who’d grown up too soon. Being innocent and lively seemed childish and ridiculous to me. But my young face could make me look that way.

“First, could you introduce yourselves?”

“Hello, everyone. My name’s Pan Shuwei.”

“Hello, everyone. I’m Wang Leqian.”

“Hello to everyone watching at home and everyone here in the studio. My name is Yang Chenxi.”

Shuwei and Leqian both paused. They hadn’t expected me to be so calculating. By saying that much, I’d clearly kept the camera on me longer.

I wanted to infuriate them. Who knew whose success we’d be riding on in the future? I wasn’t going to lose to those two.

“You’re all so young and beautiful. Looking at you makes us feel young again. I hear you’ve brought a dance performance for us.”

Shuwei took the microphone and said demurely, “Yes. It’s one of Xiaodan’s early songs, ‘Dancing for You.’ We’ve adapted the choreography for the three of us.”

“Let’s give Angel Girls a hand for ‘Dancing for You’!”

The music started. Suddenly my head felt dizzy. I shook it, pulled myself together, and danced as hard as I could.

No. I was so sleepy. My eyelids were almost closing. My arms and legs wouldn’t obey me.

So sleepy. So sleepy.

I forced myself to keep going. I couldn’t collapse. Absolutely couldn’t.

My vision grew more and more blurred. I made my movements bigger, trying to fight the drowsiness. It felt awful. I wanted so badly to close my eyes and sleep.

No. I couldn’t sleep. I mustn’t fall asleep.

What was wrong with me? Why did I want to sleep so much?

Sleep had me in its grip. I kept dancing… kept dancing… praying that my movements didn’t look too dreadful.

Luckily, we’d adapted the choreography. Even if I got a step wrong, people might not notice. I was a beat late with the final pose. I could barely stand and almost fell.

“Thank you to these three lovely girls for a wonderful performance.”

I stood there in a fog, barely conscious.

“I hear you’re Huahaoyueyuan’s secret weapon.”

The female host held the microphone to my mouth. I didn’t react quickly enough. Perhaps she noticed how listless I looked, because she passed it to Leqian instead.

“We’re not really a secret weapon, but the company treats us so well. It’s such a caring company. Our manager, Miss Monica, is especially good to us too.”

“Have you ever thought about overtaking Smile to become the number-one girl group?” The male host on the other side offered Shuwei the microphone.

“No, no. We’ve never thought anything like that. We’re just three ordinary girls who want to sing.”

Someone suddenly tapped me from behind. I startled awake. The female host beside me looked puzzled.

“Didn’t sleep well last night?” she asked quietly.

All I could do was nod awkwardly.

“You’re exceptionally beautiful. Doesn’t she look like a fairy come down from heaven?”

“Yes!” the audience called.

Shuwei smiled shyly. “Thank you!”

“And you’re always smiling. Seeing you makes people happy. It really does!”

Leqian smiled again. “Thank you.”

When he came to me, the male host hesitated and glanced at his cue card.

“You’re the girl next door. Friendly and approachable.”

I was getting sleepy again. I smiled foolishly.

For the rest of the conversation, the hosts chatted happily with Shuwei and Leqian. I seemed to have been left to one side.

After we came offstage, Monica gave me a dressing-down.

“Yang Chenxi, do you have any idea what you’re doing? You embarrassed us! How could you fall asleep at a time like that?”

On the way back to the company, my head gradually cleared. Strange. Why had I suddenly wanted to sleep? I patted my head and heard Shuwei and Leqian laughing beside me.

It made no sense. After dancing that hard, how could I still have wanted to sleep?

I turned to look at them. They covered their mouths and turned away, laughing.

The soy milk!

As soon as we got back to the dormitory, I went to war with them.

“Pan Shuwei, what did you give me? That was despicable!”

Her eyes widened. “Yang Chenxi, don’t go too far! What gives you the right to insult people like that?”

“What did you put in the soy milk?”

“What are you talking about?” she said guiltily. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Shuwei, don’t be nice to her again,” Leqian cut in. “This is what you get for trying to help.”

“Shut up!” I pointed at her.

“You think I’m afraid of you?” She shoved me.

I shoved her back. She pushed me again, and I pushed her. Soon we were grappling with each other.

Shuwei stood to one side, frightened, watching the spectacle. She was beautiful, with delicate skin, and felt that in a fight, whether she won or lost, any scratch or blow would put her at a disadvantage. Her mouth was vicious, but she wasn’t quick to use her hands.

“Enough! Stop fighting! Stop!”

She was afraid things would get out of hand. After all, the fight had started because she’d given me the soy milk.

Leqian always listened to Shuwei, so she stopped.

“If you dare do anything to me behind my back, you’ll regret it,” I warned.

“That’s enough.” Shuwei caught Leqian’s arm, whispered something in her ear, then came over to me.

“All right, all right. Monica told us to get along. If someone doesn’t listen and makes her angry, she might kick one of us out.”

I wasn’t that easily frightened. Still, Monica had already scolded me today. Forget it. I’d better not cause trouble.

I spotted a bottle of sleeping pills in Shuwei’s bag. She opened it to take out her mirror and gaze at herself, and I saw a white container. Mom had the same pills in her drawer.

“You gave me sleeping pills,” I said calmly.

Shuwei started and quickly zipped up her bag.

“They’re mine. I often have trouble sleeping.”

When she thought I wasn’t looking, she slipped them to Leqian.

“It was your idea. You take them.”

During the winter break of my first year in high school, just before New Year, I ran into Fei Randi at the company. He’d been standing there waiting for me.

“Where have you been?” I asked. “I haven’t seen you for ages.”

“Studying abroad.”

“High school or university?”

“My first year at university. They sent me abroad when I started high school.”

“That’s nice. Your mom can’t keep you under her thumb there.”

“What’s nice about it? My aunt lives abroad too, and she keeps an eye on me every day. Chenxi, I’ve written another song. Can I sing it for you?”

“Yes, but let’s wait until tonight. We finish a little earlier today. About ten thirty?”

“All right. I’ll wait here.”

“There you are, young Mr. Fei! Mr. Fei’s looking for you,” a secretary said, hurrying over.

“My dad’s looking for me? I’m coming!”

He ran off eagerly.

It was the first time I’d heard him addressed as the heir to the company. Mr. Fei… Fei Randi…

Fei Randi was Mr. Fei’s son!

Although I’d been at Huahaoyueyuan for a while, I never asked about gossip and wasn’t interested in who was connected to whom. Every day, I sang or danced. Whenever I had time, I went to Lili’s. I’d heard of Mr. Fei. His position seemed to be about the same as Mr. Zhao’s.

So Randi had powerful connections. No wonder he’d been able to help me. I’d simply stumbled into a lucky break. That day, I’d asked him in the hope of even a one-in-ten-thousand chance, and he’d actually helped.

That night, after everyone at the company had gone home, he led me secretly into a grand, spacious auditorium. I hadn’t known the company had anywhere so beautiful. Gold was the dominant color. Fine crystal chandeliers hung overhead, and heavy curtains fell to the floor. Looking down from the stage, I could see neat rows of European-style armchairs, with clusters of flowers alongside.

I sat in the middle of the front row. The chair was so lovely that I couldn’t help sitting up straight. Randi went solemnly onto the stage, and I applauded with enthusiasm, clapping especially loudly.

“That girl has beautiful eyes,
That girl has long, long hair.
That girl smiles when she sees me;
I’ll always remember every look, every smile.
Like the stars above, twinkling and twinkling.
The birds in the tree are my witnesses.
I’ll take you to the ends of the earth
To see how vast the blue sky is.
I’ll take you to the farthest shore
To see how deep the blue sea is.
I’ll take you… la la la…
To the ends of the earth…”

He sang the warm, gentle melody slowly. It was like a stream flowing through the mountains, clear and sweet.

The way he sang, with such feeling, was entrancing. I stared at him. It was quite a while after he finished before I remembered to clap. I felt as though I’d drunk a ladleful of sweet spring water.

“Fei Randi, you’re so…”

I thought for a moment, but couldn’t find a better word.

“So handsome!”

There ought to have been a better word to describe him.

“I know. Everyone says that.”

“One compliment, and it goes straight to your head!”

“I’m serious. Everyone says that.”

“Honestly! You may not be embarrassed to say it, but I’m embarrassed to hear it.”

Suddenly he took hold of my shoulders, looking serious.

“Chenxi… this song is for you.”

He was so handsome when he was serious, and so close. My face suddenly went red.

“For me?”

“Yes. Thank you. Without you, there wouldn’t be this song. Without you… I might have stopped writing songs.”

“Why would you stop? You write so well.”

He smiled. “I love hearing you praise me.”

“You could sing it to your mom, your dad, or your aunt. I’m sure they’d all like it too.”

He shook his head. “They never listen to me sing.”

“Why?”

“They think studying is more important.”

“That’s true.”

“No, it isn’t!” he protested.

“Look how lucky you are. You can study and write songs at the same time. I can’t even study anymore. Mom says singing matters more. She keeps asking the school to excuse me. All my classes this term wouldn’t add up to four weeks. If it weren’t for Lili, I’d have scored zero on my exams.”

“Whenever you mention your mom, it makes me think mine’s wonderful,” he said smugly.

“Don’t take your good fortune for granted. A kid like you… like you… with a dad who cares about you and a mom who loves you has it much better than I do.”

Mentioning fathers always hurt.

Everyone had a dad.

Everyone except me.