Chapter 35: An April Fool’s Confession

On the evening of April Fool’s Day, I sat beside North Lake in Beishan Park and sent Ji Feiyang a text.
I used the grey phone he’d bought me. If he still had the number saved, he would know who it was from.
I’m waiting for you by North Lake in Beishan Park. If you don’t come, I’ll jump in. They say the lake becomes a portal through time and space on April Fool’s Day. Perhaps it will take me straight to you.
At night, North Lake looked like a bottomless black abyss. Yet it also resembled a smooth, dark pebble set into the earth, solid enough to step onto without sinking.
I wasn’t really going to jump.
Watching the still surface, though, I thought about that story. Perhaps tonight, someone who stepped onto the lake really could arrive safely wherever they wanted to go.
Anywhere else, I would never have entertained such an absurd idea.
But tonight, the water was as still as polished black stone.
Zhou Guo stood beside me. When I gestured for her to sit, she smiled and shook her head.
If Ji Feiyang didn’t come, I would apologise tomorrow and clear everything up while I was at it. I didn’t want anything unresolved between us.
That was the advantage of April Fool’s Day. You could do something outrageous, then pass it off as a joke.
Zhou Guo and I walked around the lake.
An occasional jogger or couple passed us, but it was quiet here. Most people had gathered around the fountain and the square farther ahead.
On our third circuit, Zhou Guo tugged at me and pointed.
Ji Feiyang was walking towards us.
We hadn’t seen each other in so long. Happiness and nervousness rose together at the sight of him.
Zhou Guo tactfully moved away.
His eyes were cold. He looked reluctant to be there, angry at my unreasonable behaviour.
But he had come.
I smiled.
“Don’t you know it’s April Fool’s Day?”
“I was worried someone might actually be stupid enough to believe that ridiculous story.”
“But you’re the one who fell for it. Clearly, you’re no cleverer than I am.”
“I was passing. I thought I’d stop and see whether someone that bored had really come all the way to the lake. Apparently, she had.”
I glared at him.
Seeing my annoyance, he laughed.
We stood beside the silent water.
“I did think about jumping in. I can swim. Even if the story isn’t true, I wouldn’t die.”
“There are plenty of things in the water. Mysterious lake monsters, for instance. Other people’s spit. Dead animals…”
“That’s disgusting. Only you would think of that. The water looks perfectly clean.”
“Who knows? You might land on a dead dog. Or swallow a mouthful of water someone’s just spat into…”
“Ji Feiyang!”
“You said you wanted to jump. I’m saving your life.”
“I’m a good swimmer, and I’m not a coward. Even a water ghost wouldn’t frighten me. I never swallow water when I swim.”
I gave him a sideways look.
“If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you.”
This time, I wasn’t joking.
I slipped off my shoes and jumped towards the lake.
The moment my feet left the ground, his arms caught me.
He held me tightly.
Without quite knowing how it happened, I put my arms around his neck.
His eyes were dark and bright, holding composure, anger and alarm all at once. Meeting them frightened me in a way I’d never felt before.
We must have looked terribly intimate. Thankfully, hardly anyone was nearby.
My feet were off the ground, my arms around his neck, my whole weight resting against him.
Whether he was stunned or afraid I’d try again, he didn’t let go.
He looked at me.
I looked at him.
“Do you know how cold that water is?”
He sounded worried and awkward.
“I don’t mind the cold.”
“You really are a worry.”
After a brief silence, a question occurred to me.
“If she and I both jumped in, who would you save first?”
He gazed at me.
Then he said firmly, “That won’t happen.”
“Why not? Shall I call her and ask her to come?”
“Stop it.”
“Someone told me you like me. Do you?”
I put aside every scrap of pride.
All I wanted was to know.
He looked out over the calm lake and said nothing.
Did that silence mean he liked me? Or was he merely afraid of hurting me?
I watched him.
Whatever the answer, I wanted to hear it. Give me hope or let me give up.
There had to be an answer.
“I care about you,” he said at last.
His arms loosened, setting me down.
With an attempt at teasing, he added, “I don’t know what magic you have that makes people want to look after you. Perhaps you’re too cute. It clouds everyone’s judgement.”
“So to you… I’m only a little sister?”
“Yes.”
“You really don’t love me?”
“No.”
He turned away, unable to look at me.
I fought to keep the tears from falling.
Weiwei had been right that he cared for me.
Only it was a brother’s affection for a sister.
Gritting my teeth, I arranged my face into an easy smile and patted his broad shoulder.
“Happy April Fool’s Day.”
“You really are easy to fool. With that nasty way you talk, I’d have to be out of my mind to like you.”
I grinned as I said it.
His face remained serious.
Everything inside me hurt.
Still, I kept smiling.
“One day I’ll sell you off, and you’ll probably help me count the money.”
“You’re a lovely girl, actually.”
What good did that do if he didn’t like me?
“I know I am. I’ve never thought there was anything wrong with me.”
Only once I was in the car did I break down.
Tears came in a flood.
Let this be the last mourning for those feelings.
I’d never known loving someone could hurt so badly.
Perhaps I was finally beginning to understand what love was.
Maybe what I’d felt for Big Brother had always been a younger sister’s love, made too possessive by dependence.
I’d never cried over him like this, privately and with such pain.
With him, I’d only been angry.
When we reached home, I wiped my tears in the car and looked at Zhou Guo.
“I won’t tell anyone,” she said at once.
She understood quickly.

Big Brother and my sister set a new wedding date.
I apologised to them.
It had all been my fault. Without me, they would have been married long ago.
Dad praised me happily, saying I’d finally grown up and learned to be considerate.
Another month passed.
Perhaps because I devoted myself to work, time moved quickly.
But whenever I stopped working, or saw a happy couple in the street, thoughts of Ji Feiyang slipped in.
With them came a dull ache.
Sometimes I secretly imagined running into him somewhere—at home, on the street, at the office.
I stamped out those thoughts as soon as they appeared.
I couldn’t keep hoping.
I had to forget him completely.
I didn’t see him again until Big Brother and my sister’s wedding.
From a distance, I spotted him among the guests, Cao Jingyi’s arm linked gracefully through his.
The hurt returned before I could stop it.
If it hadn’t been their wedding, I would have fled. I was afraid I might suddenly lose control of myself.
Thinking back, I felt dreadful for Big Brother and my sister.
My mind had been elsewhere throughout.
When had they entered the ceremony? When had they said their vows, exchanged rings, kissed?
I couldn’t have told you.
Wherever Mum led me, I followed. When someone greeted me, I smiled blankly, then immediately forgot who it had been.
At the table, I kept my head down and ate without enthusiasm.
Partway through the meal, I went to the washroom.
Knowing Ji Feiyang was inside the reception room, I didn’t want to return.
I lingered outside, wishing time would hurry along and the wedding would end, so I could retreat into my own world.
Instead, I ran into him.
Whatever happened, he mustn’t see how unhappy I was.
“Why are you standing out here?”
“Getting some air. It’s terribly noisy inside.”
As soon as I said it, I knew it sounded wrong.
Tang Yijun loved a lively gathering.
Especially her beloved brother and sister’s wedding.
“Oh.”
He walked past without continuing the conversation.
A sharp ache rose inside me.
My eyes reddened.
I cursed myself for being useless, but the tears only came faster.
Now what?
How could I go back looking like this?
I had no choice but to return to the washroom.
After a few steps, I met Ji Feiyang coming back. A phone was in his hand; apparently, he’d come out to take a call.
My luck couldn’t have been worse.
Looking down wouldn’t help. Looking up wouldn’t either.
In the end, I lifted my face.
“Could you stay with me for a little while?”
He hadn’t expected to find me crying.
I wiped my tears and kicked at the wall.
How pathetic I was.
“You’ll ruin your shoes.”
I stopped kicking.
The tears stopped too.
I’d never known it could be so difficult to stop loving someone.
“You must hate me, don’t you?”
“Why would I?”
“Don’t pity me. I know you must hate me. I hate myself too. If I can’t even like myself, who else will?”
“Don’t say that.”
“I’m useless. I know you’ll never like me, but I still can’t forget you. I’m so useless…”
I must have lost my mind.
Over and over, I’d told myself I had to forget him.
Then I saw him, and every bit of resolve fell apart.
This would be the last time.
Let it hurt more, then. Let me give up completely.
“Is there any chance… any chance you might like me one day?”
Ji Feiyang didn’t answer.
He looked at me sadly while I stared back.
I knew it.
Even at the end of the world, he wouldn’t love me.
All right. There would never be such a day.
I would give up.
“Big Brother got married today…”
I began to lie.
“Now he’ll never… never love me anymore.”
“Everyone will still love you just as they always have.”
“No, they won’t.”
I insisted on it.
He sighed, unsure how to comfort someone as stubborn as me.
While he was still searching for an explanation I might accept, I spoke first.
“I’m sorry.”
“I really am. The person I love is Big Brother. I love him so much, but my sister’s wonderful too. I thought how much better it would be if I could fall for someone else.
“So I wanted you to be my boyfriend.
“Who knew you wouldn’t like me? What’s wrong with me, anyway? You’re turning your nose up at me without even taking a look at yourself.”
Ji Feiyang went still.
“Is that true?”
“Of course.”
“What are you going to do now?”
“Find someone who loves me, someone I love too. Once I fall in love with somebody else, I won’t be sad anymore.”
“Tang Yijun…”
Through tear-filled eyes, I looked at him.
He watched me for a moment.
“It’s all right. Stop crying. Go and wash your face. If Wenyuan sees you, she’ll use it to make fun of you.”
I took the chance to escape.
At least I’d explained it away.
From now on, he would never know that the person I loved was him.
We could be as we’d been before.
But I could no longer face him as openly as I once had.