Chapter 4 Permission to Go

“But ours is a military family. We have few descendants. The marquis still carries his old wounds and has always hoped for more children and grandchildren.

“My son is taking a concubine not to favor another woman, but to continue the family line.”

* * *

“Once she enters the household, you will still manage its affairs. You will still be mistress here, with authority over everything, great and small.

“If she has a son, you can even raise him under your name. You would have one more boy to call you Mother.

“Why cling to this so tightly and let it drive you and your husband apart?”

I already had a son of my own. Why should I want to raise someone else’s?

I lowered my eyes, respectful but unyielding.

“Mother, it isn’t that I refuse to obey you, or that I want to fight for control of the household.

“I’m simply too narrow-minded. I truly cannot share my husband with another woman.

“If I’m forced to stay here and see it day after day, the resentment will build until my health gives way.

“Letting me go with Dalang to study would spare me that unhappiness and be a blessing to this household.

“In Nanshan, what I don’t see won’t trouble me. Your son won’t have to worry about quarrels in the women’s quarters, and we can preserve our marriage. There would be peace here too.”

“Wouldn’t that be better for everyone?”

“Better for everyone?”

She raised her brows.

“But without someone to restrain him, trouble could easily arise in the rear courtyards.

“You’ll still be here to oversee things, Mother. The steward and the senior attendants have served the family for years and know its rules.

“If anything important happens, he can send someone south to find me.”

She did not argue the point. Instead, she tried a different approach.

“Have you thought about Dalang?

“He is the legitimate eldest grandson, the future heir of this household.

“To become the heir, he must make connections and gain experience. Only in the capital can he keep abreast of events at court.

“If you take him to Nanhu, far from the noble families here, and my son later has a boy born of a concubine, how can Dalang retain his standing? Will his position as heir still be secure?”

That was her strongest argument.

She was using Dalang’s inheritance to persuade me to stay.

I looked up calmly.

“I spoke to Dalang about this yesterday.

“If he goes to Nanshan, he and his father will grow apart. He may have few connections in the capital, and he may no longer inherit the title.

“But he says he wants to make his own future. He doesn’t need to depend on the position his father would leave him.”

She stared at me.

Clearly, she had never expected such words from a six-year-old.

“A child that young, with such resolve… That is rare indeed.”

“He’ll have to suffer hardships too. I want Dalang to follow a scholar’s path. I don’t want him to go to war like his father.”

She paused again.

The House of Zhenbei had made its name on the battlefield.

She had borne three sons and two daughters. Her two eldest sons had both died in battle.

Leaning back, she tapped a finger against the arm of her chair.

At last, she sighed.

“Very well.”

When she looked at me again, her expression was less severe.

“My son sent word last night that he had agreed to let you take Dalang south.

“If you are both determined, an old woman like me won’t force you to stay.”

The weight hanging over me lifted a little.

But she had more to say.

“There are three things you must remember.

“First, you are still the wife whom the House of Zhenbei formally married to its heir. Dalang is still its legitimate eldest grandson.

“Whether you live in Nanshan or the capital, your roots are here.

“When you’re away, be careful of what you say and do. You must observe the family’s rules and do nothing to dishonor it.

“Second, send a letter home every month. You must report on Dalang’s studies and daily life.

“This household will send your monthly allowance south. The guards and servants will be arranged for you.

“Third, if something serious happens to Dalang, or if urgent family business requires it, you must bring him back to the capital at once.

“Do you agree?”

“I’ll remember all of it, Mother.”

I rose and bowed.

She waved her hand.

“Go. See to your preparations. Take whoever you need.

“Make sure you have medicines, clothing, and dried food for the road.

“It’s a long journey, with dangers we cannot foresee. You must keep Dalang safe.”

“I will.”

I left Rongshou Hall.

The sunlight was just right, falling across the courtyard’s blue-gray paving stones.

* * *

Even after I had gone some distance, I could hear a senior attendant murmuring to my mother-in-law behind me.

The hardest part of securing permission to leave was over.

Walking back to my courtyard, I began calculating whom I would take south.

A thousand miles of road. A jolting carriage. An unknown future.

The ten household guards would certainly be men loyal to my husband.

They would protect Dalang and me, but they would also be the household’s eyes and ears.

Everything we did would find its way back to the capital.