Chapter 2 The Price of Leaving

“We can say that Dalang is going to study with Grand Tutor He, and that I’m going to look after him. The Grand Tutor is going south to teach. Other children from distinguished families will be studying with him too, not just Dalang. People will praise you for valuing your eldest son’s education, for letting him gain experience away from home. They won’t speculate about our private affairs.”

I had already thought through that explanation.

He watched me for a long time.

Anger and confusion crossed his face, along with something else—a trace of loss I could not quite read.

“A-Yun.”

His voice softened. He used my childhood name, the way he had in happier years.

“I’ve already given way over the concubine. When the new woman enters the household, she’ll live in a side courtyard. You’ll still make every decision in the house. She won’t be allowed to overstep. Must you do this? Seven years of marriage—can all that affection between us really have come to nothing?”

At the mention of those seven years, my chest tightened.

We had grown up together. We had spent many peaceful years as husband and wife.

But the moment I imagined another woman in the rear courtyard, one who would bear his children, the warmth I had felt fell away.

* * *

I shook my head.

“Think me narrow-minded if you like. I can’t calmly share my husband with another woman.

“If I stay here and see it every day, the resentment will only grow. In time, it will harm my health and create trouble in the household.

“If I go to Nanshan, what I don’t see won’t trouble me. You won’t have to worry about quarrels in the women’s quarters, and we may still preserve what remains of our marriage. Isn’t that better?”

His lips tightened. For a long time, he said nothing.

His finger tapped the table as he weighed the matter.

I knew what he was considering.

If I were forced to stay, this grievance would never leave me. The household would have no peace.

If Dalang and I went to Nanshan, and he studied with Grand Tutor He, there would be a respectable explanation. And once he completed his education and returned, he could become a strong support for the family.

The only price was that husband and wife would live apart.

At last, my husband asked quietly, “If I don’t take a concubine, will you stay?”

His voice fell into the silence like a stone into still water.

For a moment, I hesitated.

Then I looked up at him.

“You may refuse today, but what about tomorrow? The family wants more descendants. Your mother and father will keep pressing you. You’ve agreed with me now, but what happens when everyone else keeps urging you?

“I refused the first time, and the second. By the third, aren’t you still giving way?”

He could only stare at me. His throat worked, but no words came.

I already knew the answer.

His offer had sounded more like a hurried compromise than a true resolve.

The House of Zhenbei had won its honors on the battlefield. Another son meant another safeguard for its future.

Neither the marquis nor his wife would allow their son to have only me.

Even if we got past this today, it would return.

“My husband, you needn’t force yourself for my sake. Taking a concubine is an important matter for your family, and it is your choice. I don’t want to interfere.

“Taking Dalang to Nanshan is a choice for him and me.

“We can follow our own paths without obstructing each other.”

“And if I won’t let either of you go?”

His voice was cold now, carrying the authority of the marquis’s heir.

I lowered my eyes, calm as I delivered my last argument.

“You are Dalang’s father. Of course I respect your decisions.

“But if you force him to remain in the capital and deny him the chance to study with Grand Tutor He, he may resent it when he grows up. We could become estranged, and there would be lasting unhappiness between us.

“And there is my family. My father has always loved me. If I were to fall ill from prolonged distress, he would certainly ask why.”

It was not a threat.

Only the truth.

My father held high office. My family was the surest support I had.

My husband would not want a quarrel with his in-laws over this.

Again, he was silent for a long time.

Only the candles crackled in the study.

At last he sighed, as though letting something go, and as though there was nothing he could do.

“Very well.”

He looked at me, suddenly tired.

“You’ve always been stubborn. Once you make up your mind, no one can move you. If Dalang wants to study with Grand Tutor He too, I won’t stand in your way.”

The weight that had hung over me finally lifted.

“Thank you.”

I rose and bowed.

“But I have conditions.”

He raised his hand, his expression serious.