Chapter 17 The Life He Had Put on Hold

Qinghe stood beside me and teased, “My lady, you’re even more at ease now than you were in Nanshan.”

I only smiled.

At ease.

Yes, I was very much at ease.

I had thought I would spend the rest of my life this way, quietly beside my son.

Until one day, someone from the marquis’s household brought an invitation.

It was the old steward who served my husband.

He presented the letter with both hands and bowed.

“My lady, the heir is about to leave for the frontier. He asks that you return to the residence to see him once.”

My fingers stilled.

The letter lay quietly on the table.

For a long time, I did not reach for it.

Three years earlier, when we returned to the capital, my husband and I had spoken in the Zhenbei residence.

Afterward, we had each lived our own lives, without further contact.

I no longer resented him.

But I no longer missed him either.

Still, hearing that he was going to war made my heart sink a little.

In the end, I went.

The main courtyard was quieter than it had been three years before.

When he saw me come in, he stared for a long while before saying slowly, “A-Yun, you’ve come.”

He looked at me.

There was relief in his eyes, and a sadness I could not quite name.

“I’m going to war.”

“For how long?” I asked softly.

“I don’t know.”

A light returned to his eyes.

“One doesn’t count the months and years on a battlefield.”

I said nothing.

“A-Yun.”

Suddenly, he used my childhood name, as he had when we were young.

“After I leave, come back often to see my mother.”

I lowered my eyes.

After a long while, I answered softly, “I will.”

My mother-in-law had treated me quite well.

With him away, of course I would visit her often.

“Take care of yourself at the front.”

“I will.”

“If something happens to you, this household may fall into disorder.

“Dalang might have to return.”

“I’ll do my best to come back alive.

“There’s something you should prepare for.”

“What?”

“When I return, Father will probably step down.

“Then I’ll be the marquis, and you’ll be the marchioness.

“I’m afraid you won’t be able to keep living with Dalang.”

“Must it really be that way?”

I frowned.

“Of course.

“Until now, Mother has been here to oversee things, so Lady Guo could help manage the household.

“When you become the marchioness, naturally you must manage it.”

“What a bother.”

“I’ve let you live freely for all these years.”

“Let me think about it.”

When I came out, Dalang was waiting beside the carriage.

He hurried over as soon as he saw me. Without asking much, he offered his hand.

“Mother, let’s go home.”

I nodded.

“Home.”

“Dalang, is there a young woman you care for?”

“Why are you asking all of a sudden?”

“Your father will inherit the title when he returns from the frontier.

“I’m afraid I’ll have to move back to the marquis’s household then.

“It’s time to think about your marriage too.”

* * *

Epilogue: Dalang’s Marriage

Dalang paused in surprise.

His eyes flickered, and he said gently, “Mother, there’s no hurry.”

I looked at the tenderness and devotion that had never changed in his eyes, and understood more clearly than ever.

No hurry.

There was never any hurry for him.

Over the years, his colleagues at court and the noble families we knew had sent countless people to discuss a marriage.

Daughters of distinguished houses.

Young women from scholarly families.

Every one a fine match.

Every time, he had declined politely.

Every time, he had found a reason to avoid it.

He thought only of his career.

Only of keeping my life peaceful.

But I could not let him keep stepping aside and sacrificing himself for me all his life.

He had long since reached adulthood.

Most of the sons of court families his age had married, had children, and established homes.

Only he remained alone.

By day, his duties at court.

By night, a single lamp over his books.

Before, I had been reluctant to let him marry too young.

I feared that the ties of marriage would limit his future.

Only now did I understand—

I was the one who had held him back for too long.

I could not spend my whole life sheltering beneath my son’s wing.

I could not let him bear every burden for me, evade every difficulty for me, and plan every detail of my life.

His father would soon inherit the marquisate.

Afterward, that household would need its lawful mistress in charge.

That was my position, and a responsibility I must face.

It should not continue to weigh on Dalang’s shoulders.

He had struggled so hard to leave that household behind, to free himself from the bonds of a military lineage and win an honorable civil career.

I looked at him and spoke seriously, no longer indulging him or yielding out of tenderness.

“Dalang, you may be in no hurry, but I am.

“You’re a grown man. This is the right age to establish a career and a family.

“According to the old rites, a man should have a household when he comes of age.

“It’s time for you to marry.

“Delay any longer, and people at court may begin to talk.”

He frowned slightly.

“Mother, my career has only just become secure. There’s no need to rush into marriage.”

“That is precisely why you should marry.”

I interrupted gently, speaking with all my heart.

“A man serving at court must first put his own household in order before helping govern the realm.

“Alone, without a family, he still lacks part of his foundation.”

I looked out at the peaceful courtyard.

In my heart, I had made my final decision.

“I’ve thought it through.

“When your father returns from the war and inherits the title, I will go back as propriety requires and take charge of the household.

“That was always my duty.

“For half my life, I’ve hidden and run away, seeking nothing but peace.

“But I cannot be selfish all my life.”