Chapter 1

Everyone in my sect was a powerhouse.

Third Senior Brother was a gossip addict. Open his mouth, and out came the official answers to the college entrance exam from the year I transmigrated.

Second Senior Sister knew everyone. One casual favor, and she'd helped me cash out a hundred billion on Pinduoduo.

Eldest Senior Brother was a dedicated angler. Every time he reeled in his line, he'd catch an entire sun for me to use as a hand warmer.

Even Master's cat was secretly formidable. When I annoyed him, he simply switched off my system.

Me? One careless step, and I'd trip over a threshold, hit the floor, and go straight to sleep.

A genuine pickled slacker: sour, useless, and surplus to requirements.

And yet they doted on me, their youngest junior sister.

So I embraced the slacker life and let the whole sect spoil me rotten.

Until a once-in-ten-thousand-years prodigy came knocking, asking to become Master's disciple.

The first thing she did was take aim at me.

“Ye Wangshu is hopelessly untalented. I recommend expelling her!”

I stared at Su Wanning, who looked as though she had a blood feud with me.

Me?

She pointed straight at me and sneered.

“What are you looking at? Yes, you!”

“Even mortals don't fall asleep the moment they trip. What kind of cultivator are you?”

Eldest Senior Brother frowned.

“Has that been happening?”

Third Senior Brother waved it off.

“What's so strange about it? You've never been to our little junior sister's hometown.”

“People there can have full-body spasms while changing clothes or dislocate a joint with a yawn.”

“Some can rupture a corpus luteum just sitting down. Others break a toe while squatting on the toilet.”

Eldest Senior Brother's brow furrowed even deeper.

Su Wanning smiled to herself.

She clearly expected him to scold me.

Instead, he fished a set of robes straight out of the river.

“Little Shu, this is my fault. I've been so obsessed with fishing that I've neglected you.”

“These immortal robes are made of Flowing Sunset Silk. You won't hurt yourself when you fall anymore.”

He considered it, then fished up a set of bedding.

“If you're sleepy, make sure you use a pillow and cover yourself properly.”

Then he muttered, “Are we still missing a bed?”

Su Wanning stared.

“Aren't you supposed to be angry?”

Eldest Senior Brother came to his senses.

“You're right. I should be angry. Third—”

Third Senior Brother grinned.

“No need to tell me. I removed every threshold in the house yesterday.”

As their conversation drifted further and further off course, Su Wanning finally interrupted.

“Wait. Aren't you angry about the wrong thing? Shouldn't you be angry because she's useless?”

“Besides, as far as I know, her talent is even worse than her strength.”

“Twenty years, and she still hasn't reached Foundation Establishment. She even drove Master away!”

She proceeded to recite my glorious achievements.

I hung my head.

When I first joined the sect, Master worried that I wouldn't keep up with the others.

So he decided to tutor me privately.

Twenty years later, he'd fallen apart.

For the first time, I saw gloom on his usually serene face.

He rubbed the back of his head and muttered, “How is this possible? No matter how dim someone is, twenty years should be enough to establish a foundation.”

And so, on a dark and windy night, Master ran away.

All he left was a letter.

“Gone out to clear my head. Don't miss me.”

After that, I did some painful soul-searching.

If cultivation was beyond me, couldn't I get in on a special-talent admission?

I went to Second Senior Sister, hoping her connections could help me learn a trade.

She happily agreed and took me visiting every day.

When I studied flying with angels, I somehow taught them to trip over their own feet.

When I studied cooking with the Cooking Master Boy, I blew up his kitchen.

When I studied poetry with Li Bai, I accidentally tempted him into becoming a star jungler.

And so on.

Eventually, every world in the multiverse had a sign by its door:

“NO YE WANGSHU.”

Puzzled, I asked Second Senior Sister, “Am I really that terrifying?”

She seemed delighted.

“Your strength poses no threat to them whatsoever, but you can destroy their reputations as educators.”

“Surely that counts as a kind of power?”

The more I heard, the lower my head drooped.

Su Wanning, meanwhile, was positively radiant with pride.

“I reached Foundation Establishment at three, Core Formation at seven, and Nascent Soul at fifteen. I'll become an immortal before thirty.”

“Ye Wangshu, I'm more qualified to be Master's disciple than you are!”

Faced with her dazzling confidence, I lowered my head and told my senior brothers and sister, “Maybe… I really don't deserve to be your little junior sister.”

“I'll bow out. And once I'm gone, it's for good.”

Dejected, I packed my bags to leave the mountain.

Su Wanning craned her neck eagerly, ready to take my place.

From the corner, the black-and-white cat spoke in a gloomy voice.

“What is wrong with you two? Shouldn't my owner decide something like this?”

“He's gone traveling, not died!”

Oh. Right.

I put down my luggage, looking thoroughly deflated, and contacted Master.

It was very noisy at his end, with a constant clacking in the background.

When he heard someone had come asking to be his disciple, he didn't seem particularly interested.

“If she's found the sect, there must be some affinity. Let her stay for now. We'll discuss it when I return.”

Then his voice grew excited.

“See you in a month. Master has a surprise ready for you!”

Before I could thank him, Su Wanning slammed her forehead to the floor.

“Thank you, Master!”

She stood and gave me a challenging look.

“You heard him. He said we're destined to be master and disciple. He's even prepared a welcome gift for me.”

“As for you…”

She gave me a disgusted look.

“He told you to leave the mountain. He doesn't want to see you when he returns in a month.”

I had no words.

What kind of championship-level mishearing was that?

I was about to point it out when I heard her mutter, “Another week stuck with this useless thing. Just my luck. All because of that damned fat cat.”

“It looks male. I'll have it neutered later.”

I sucked in a breath.

Of all the beings you could provoke, you chose him?

Even Eldest Senior Brother, who could hold the sun and moon and pluck stars from the sky, respectfully called him Master Meow.

Su Wanning thought she was whispering.

But a cat's hearing was three times as good as a human's.

I saw Master Meow's pupils darken.

Oh, we're doomed.

Slaughter Mode: activated.

The last time he'd switched off my system, he hadn't even bothered lifting an eyelid.

Now he raised one paw.

Su Wanning turned deathly pale. Sweat poured off her.

What was happening?

My curiosity blazed to life.

Master Meow gave me an affectionate look and flicked his tail.

[Host has awakened the All-Things Listening System. Trial time remaining: 0:59:59.]

Before I could marvel at the fact that Master Meow could actually make systems himself, my ears were flooded with notifications.

All from the systems Su Wanning had just awakened.

…

I counted them. There were 10,086 in total. Used properly, any one of them could make its owner invincible.

An ordinary person would have wept with gratitude and bowed to Master Meow.

Su Wanning didn't dare move.

Because all 10,086 systems contradicted one another.

The Leading Lady System and the Invisible Nobody System.

The Justice System and the Villain System.

The Pride System and the Simp System.

…

The two most outrageous ones required her to smile for the rest of her life—

and cry for the rest of her life.

While she agonized over which to choose, the systems ran out of patience.

[Host has failed to perform the correct action for a prolonged period. Cultivation deducted.] ×10,086

Panicking, Su Wanning frantically started completing their quests.

But the rewards couldn't even cover what the penalties took away.

I watched her grow weaker, little by little.

Only when she was as weak as me did Master Meow withdraw his powers.

Su Wanning burst into tears.

“My cultivation! My wasted youth!”

“Now I'm a total weakling too!”

I offered her a tissue.

“Look at me. I've been useless for twenty years, and I'm doing fine.”

She slapped my hand away.

“Spare me the act. You're useless, but I still have a future!”

I heard her thoughts as she tried to comfort herself in her misery.

“Master must be testing my resolve. I can't give up.”

Then she came up with an even stranger idea.

“He's doing this to awaken their protective instincts and bring us closer together!”

I shook my head.

She'd lost it.

“Who should I start with?”

Her gaze swept over Eldest Senior Brother.

“Tanned like that? Obviously going nowhere. Pass.”

Then Second Senior Sister.

“We're both women. She'll be my competition someday. Pass.”

Finally, her eyes settled on Third Senior Brother.

“Robes whiter than snow, handsome brows, starry eyes. You'll do.”

She immediately fluttered her lashes at him.

“Now that I've lost all my cultivation, could you teach me something so I can protect myself, Senior Brother?”

He smiled.

Such a gentle smile.

“Of course. I'll teach you.”

I had no idea what he was planning.

But I was already observing a moment of silence for Su Wanning.

Because when Third Senior Brother smiled…

Your survival was anybody's guess.

I remembered the last time he'd smiled like that.

“Little Junior Sister, life on the mountain is dull. Want to watch a variety show?”

My eyes lit up.

“We can do that?”

He patiently coaxed me along.

“Of course. How about your old favorite? The one on Hunan TV every Saturday at eight twenty?”

“Happy Camp?” I blurted.

He smiled and shook his head.

“No.”

I frowned.

“But I distinctly remember—”

“No, no, no. Yours must have been Community College Camp. You only scored 361 on the college entrance exam, after all…”

My heart shattered.

I nearly turned evil on the spot.

And he still wasn't finished.

“When a woman turns dark, even her shadow dares to slay a god~”

“Reference: A Broken Heart Leaves No Trace [J]. Qzone. 2018.9(12).”

Third Senior Brother shot me a vicious glare and cut into my flashback with a telepathic message.