Chapter 4
Edward Quan ·
When I was twenty-two, A-Fu was fourteen.
He came running to tell me Vice Minister Li had agreed to the marriage.
“Congratulations.”
“What about you, Sister?”
“What about me?”
“When will you marry?”
“I won't.”
“Why?”
“Too much effort.”
He stared.
“You're so capable, Sister. You're bound to find a good man.”
“I know.”
“Why don't you look for one, then?”
“Because I don't want to.”
He thought for a long time.
“What do you want?”
I considered it.
“I want Father promoted.”
He stared again. “What?”
“Once he's promoted, I'll be the eldest young lady of the Chancellor's household. Then I can do whatever I like. Who'd dare stop me?”
A-Fu was speechless.
After another long think, he asked, “Sister, are you serious?”
“Do I look as though I'm joking?”
He studied me.
“No.”
“There you are.”
Later, Father really was promoted.
From Minister of Personnel to Minister.
Mother was so pleased she held feasts for three days.
Father summoned me in secret.
“Bruiser, did you do something?”
“No.”
“Really?”
“Really. I just picked out a few of your documents full of useless words, revised them, and slipped in a few home truths when they were submitted.”
Father had nothing to say.
He was silent for a long time.
Finally, he said, “Bruiser, you've surpassed your father.”
“I know.”
He glared at me, then laughed.
When I was twenty-four, Grandmother passed away.
She went peacefully, holding my hand.
“A-Ning, have you been living well?”
“Yes.”
“Truly?”
“Truly.”
“Then smile for me.”
I smiled.
She saw it and smiled too.
“You have such a lovely smile, A-Ning.”
“Haven't you seen it before?”
“I have. But never one so sincere.”
I said nothing.
“You've had much to bear over these years.”
“I haven't.”
“You see more clearly than anyone. People who see too clearly lead weary lives.”
I held her hand without a word.
“You needn't be so clear-sighted from now on.
“Laugh when you want to laugh. Cry when you want to cry. Fight for what you want.
“You deserve to.”
Those were the last words Grandmother said to me.
I kept watch by her bed for three days and three nights, accompanying her to the end.
On the day of the funeral, Mother cried so hard she could barely stand. Father had to support her.
A-Fu cried too.
“Grandmother said she'd give me a big red envelope when I got married.”
I didn't cry.
Not because I didn't want to. I simply couldn't.
I stood there, watching the coffin recede into the distance.
Grandmother was gone.
The person who had always protected me since childhood was gone.
That evening, I sat alone in the courtyard for a long time.
A-Fu came to find me.
“Sister, are you all right?”
“I'm fine.”
“Don't lie to me.”
I turned to look at him.
At sixteen, he was already taller than I was.
He crouched beside me.
“If you want to cry, go ahead. I won't tell anyone.”
Looking into his eyes, I felt a sudden sting in my nose.
But I still didn't cry.
“A-Fu, Grandmother said I could cry whenever I wanted.”
“Why aren't you crying, then?”
“Because I don't want to.”
He paused, then laughed.
“Sister, you're the strangest person I've ever met.”
“How many people have you met?”
“Lots.”
“How many?”
“Lots, anyway.”
I laughed.
We sat in the courtyard for a long time that evening, talking about all sorts of things.
Childhood things.
How Concubine Zhou's son had bullied him. How he'd delivered his letter to Vice Minister Li himself. The first time I'd hit him.
“Sister, remember when I was three and asked why you wouldn't give way to me?”
“Yes.”
“You said, if you gave way, it was because you chose to. If you didn't, it was because you could.”
“Yes.”
He thought for a moment.
“I understand now.”
“Understand what?”