Chapter 1

When the sign fell, Ji Anyan was the first to rush over and protect Mu Xueqing.

I took a heavy blow to the head.

My hearing was badly damaged.

After that, I grew quiet. I no longer liked to talk.

But Ji Anyan, who used to complain that I talked too much, became "noisy."

He kept sending me messages.

Kept filling sheets of paper with things for me to read.

I didn't answer. Didn't pay him any attention.

He didn't seem to mind.

Every day, he insisted on visiting. Every time, he stayed all day.

At last, I grew tired of it.

I earnestly repeated the words he'd said to me so many times.

"Ji Anyan, go and be with Mu Xueqing."

"She needs you more, after all."

His face went white.

1.

He froze for a moment, then grabbed the pen and paper from the table and quickly wrote several lines.

Lips pressed together, he held the page in front of me.

"I saved her first because she was closer."

"And I didn't expect the sign to hit you."

He'd given me the same explanation countless times.

On WeChat.

By text.

On paper.

He was right.

Every word.

Perhaps he really hadn't expected the sign to tilt and strike me.

Perhaps he'd been too close to Mu Xueqing to spare a moment for me.

I believed him.

So after thinking for a little while, I said calmly, "I know."

"I'm not blaming you."

"I just want some peace so I can rest. Having you here feels… exhausting."

Confusion flickered in his eyes.

Then I stopped too.

He'd said that to me before.

2.

Ji Anyan was busy.

We rarely had time to go anywhere together.

I'd complained more than once, going on and on in his ear.

Eventually, unable to bear it anymore, he gave in and promised to set aside a week in June for a trip to the Arctic with me.

I started preparing early.

Windproof jackets.

Waterproof boots.

Down coats.

For me.

For him.

And a ring.

I'd contacted a designer, carefully revising every detail. It had taken a long time to get it ready.

I wanted to propose to him on a glacier.

Tell him I loved him.

I looked forward to it in secret, too happy to sleep.

I couldn't help imagining his face when I asked.

Would he be happy?

Would he feel as moved as I did?

But three days before we were due to leave, he suddenly said he couldn't go.

I stared at him.

He rubbed between his brows.

"This meeting is important. I really can't miss it."

"Try to understand, Xiao Cun."

It took a long time before I slowly nodded.

After he left on his business trip, I canceled the flights.

I curled up alone on the sofa in the quiet apartment, watching dramas, scrolling on my phone, and sending him message after message.

I'd eaten all the snacks in the house today.

I was going shopping with friends tomorrow.

I missed him.

I'd always been like that.

So much to say.

So much I wanted to share with him.

Though he never replied, because he was away on business and busy.

Two days later, scrolling through Instagram, I saw a post.

The person in the photograph was covered in protective clothing, even his eyes hidden behind goggles.

I recognized him anyway.

Ji Anyan.

Beside him, Mu Xueqing held up a V for the camera.

Their shoulders almost touched.

"At the Arctic glaciers with Mr. X! So beautiful!"

Congratulations filled the comments.

"You look perfect together!"

"Wishing you two a lifetime of happiness!"

And the smiling emojis she'd used in reply.

So the business trip was a lie.

Being busy was a lie.

He'd gone to the Arctic with someone else.

I don't know whether a heart can truly stop for a moment.

If it can't, then for those seconds—perhaps half a minute—I think I must have ceased to be alive.

My hands and feet were ice-cold.

Even my breath seemed gone.

3.

The first time I met Mu Xueqing was at a police station.

It was my birthday.

We'd only cut halfway through the cake when Ji Anyan got a call.

I could faintly hear a girl crying on the other end.

His face changed immediately.

He turned and grabbed his coat.

"Where are you…"

I was still holding a piece of cake.

Before I finished, the door closed behind him.

I stood by the table for a long time.

Hours later, the police station called and asked me to collect him.

He'd always cared about appearances.

Now he was covered in dust, his shirt crumpled, the fierceness not yet gone from his eyes.

I carefully touched the injured corner of his mouth.

I couldn't help reproaching him.

"Didn't you say people who got into fights were hotheaded and thoughtless? Why did you end up fighting someone in the street?"

He said nothing.

Only looked past my shoulder.

And frowned.

I turned.

A girl sat on the bench, watching him quietly.

Tears filled her eyes and slipped down.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Ji. This was all my fault."

Ji Anyan pushed me aside, took off his coat, and wrapped it around her.

His voice was cold.

"It wasn't your fault. Stop apologizing for everything."

In that instant, I knew who she was.

Mu Xueqing.

Her name had come up so often in his stories.

His new assistant.

Clever, he said.

Stubborn.

Always buried in work. Never saying anything when she'd been wronged. Never speaking up when someone bullied her.

He sounded full of admiration.

Whenever he mentioned her, a smile hovered at his lips.

Even now, though his voice was cold, there was an unusual tenderness in his eyes.

Something seemed to stab straight into my chest.

On the way home, I couldn't stop asking.

"You left me alone without a word to go to her?"

"You even fought someone for her? Is she that important?"

"If someone was bothering her at a bar, why call her boss instead of her friends? Doesn't she have any, or was she trying to seduce you?"

"Xia Cun. Enough."

His low voice cut me off.

His face was full of disgust and disbelief.

"A girl gets harassed, and that's the filthy nonsense that comes into your head?"

"Is your birthday more important than someone's safety?"

"Honestly, Xia Cun, if you're going to be this unreasonable, just keep quiet. Stop talking. I'm sick of hearing it."

I froze.

He'd never been so angry with me.

Never said such ugly things.

It was the beginning of countless arguments.

Once, I'd arranged dinner with friends, everyone bringing their boyfriends.

Halfway through, he received a message.

"Something at work," he said, and abruptly left.

But I'd clearly seen Mu Xueqing's profile picture in the chat on his phone.

Another time, he had a rare day off and we went shopping.

I changed into a dress and came happily out of the fitting room.

"An…"

No one.

He was gone.

The assistant said awkwardly, "The gentleman got a call and left."

I stood still.

My smile slowly faded.

He came home very late that night.

When I questioned him, he only said, "A client was making things difficult for Xueqing. How was she supposed to negotiate if I didn't go?"

"I was working, Xia Cun. Could you try to look at things objectively?"

I stared at the suit he'd just taken off.

It reeked of alcohol.

For a long time, I said nothing.

Once, we went out for barbecue.

I returned from the restroom to find him gone.

Meat burned on the grill, the smell turning my stomach.

The server said, "He asked me to tell you he had to go to the office. You shouldn't wait."

I paused.

"All right."

I stopped beside my chair.

Then added, "Actually, please clear it away. I'm done."

Later, he attended Mu Xueqing's promotion party and stayed out all night.

When he came home to change the next morning, I saw lipstick on his shirt.

That was the one time I began to cry before we could even argue.

He panicked and hurried to explain.

"Xueqing was only taking care of me…"

"Xiao Cun, I was drunk. Nothing happened between us!"

"Please believe me."

I cried and looked at him for a long time.

At last, uneasily, I asked, "Ji Anyan, have you ever thought about our future?"

"Have you ever thought… about spending the rest of your life with me?"

He was silent for a moment, then held me.

"Of course."

"We'll always be together."

…

Looking at that photograph now, could I still believe him?

4.

I sat alone in the living room for days, no longer knowing day from night.

Ji Anyan came home.

He left his suitcase by the door, took off his coat, came into the entryway, and switched on the light.

He paused when he saw me.

"I thought you were out. Why are you sitting here without saying anything?"

My voice was hoarse.

"You went to the Arctic with Mu Xueqing?"

He froze.

I stood, opened the Instagram post, and tossed my phone in front of him.

"Ji Anyan, didn't you say it was a business trip?"

"Then what's this? You promised to go with me. I even…"

Prepared a proposal.

I couldn't say the rest.

Only ask, my voice shaking, "…Why?"

He rubbed between his brows.

While I was falling apart, he was calm.

Almost cold-blooded.

But visibly impatient.

"I'm sorry. Yes, I lied."

"But I've been exhausted lately. I only wanted a quiet holiday."

"You never stop talking. Chattering. Making noise. Sometimes, being with you is honestly exhausting!"

I stared.

After a long while, I slowly asked, "So… being with Mu Xueqing is easier? More comfortable?"

"You'd rather… be with her?"

He frowned.

"I didn't say that."

His voice was cold and irritated.

"Xia Cun, I don't want to get home and immediately start fighting. I'll make up the holiday another time, all right?"

"But can we leave this here today?"

I stood speechless for a long time.

He sighed softly, walked past me, and went into the bedroom.