Chapter 2

I reached to wipe her tears.

My hand passed straight through her face.

I stared at her, crying and smiling at once.

Thank you.

Thank you for helping me.

For trying to save me.

As the officer asked for my parents' contact details, Dad walked into the lobby.

He glanced at Zhang Pingping and told the officer, “No need to write that down. I'm Lin Yan's father. She's not missing. She broke the rules, so she's been forbidden to go out with her disreputable friends.”

He deliberately stressed those last two words.

Pingping's face went white.

Humiliated, she lowered her head.

She wasn't disreputable!

Whenever I hid somewhere to cry, she put her coat over my head.

Whenever I was hungry, she pretended to be picky so she could give me her food.

Whenever I was bullied, she chased the bullies all over the school with a mop covered in feces.

Whenever the class shut me out, she held my hand and laughed.

“There. The two of us have successfully isolated the whole class. We're such cool girls!”

Zhang Pingping was my best friend.

Dad was a veteran officer. No one questioned him.

So, once again, my disappearance was brushed aside.

I watched Pingping leave the station in a daze.

Tears wouldn't stop falling.

I wanted to run after her, but my soul was bound to Dad.

I watched him work on my skull.

Then I followed him home after work.

On the table, as always, were braised fish, spicy crab, and oil-braised prawns.

Mom remembered all my brother's favorite foods.

She couldn't be bothered to remember that I was allergic to seafood.

Once, at dinner, Dad had asked, “Why aren't you taking any food?”

I'd thought that, at last, he was paying attention to me.

I tightened my grip on my chopsticks and gathered my courage.

“Dad... I'm allergic to seafood...”

Mom threw her chopsticks onto the table and pointed at my face.

“What sin did I commit to give birth to an ungrateful thing like you? I worked so hard cooking all this food, and now I've wronged you?”

Panicking, I looked at Dad.

My childhood hero, who'd always protected me whenever I upset Mom.

But this time, he only put a large piece of crab in my bowl.

“Be good and eat. Don't upset your mother.”

Their eyes weighed on me.

As if refusing to eat would make me guilty.

In the end, I ate the whole plate of drunken crab.

That night, my throat swelled until I could barely breathe.

My eyes were so swollen I could hardly see.

My whole body hurt and itched.

“Help... help me...”

My voice was hoarse.

Staggering to the door, I tried to unlock it.

However hard I turned the lock, it wouldn't open.

Panic swallowed me.

I pounded on the door, trying to make a sound.

“Please... help...”

“Dad... Mom...”

“Help me...”

“I don't want to die...”

Through the haze, I heard Mom in the living room.

“It's only an allergy. It's not as if she'll die. Good thing we locked the door. I knew she'd start acting pitiful again. Disgusting. Xiaojing came to me in a dream last night and said he wanted the newest game console. Hurry up, or the mall will close.”

No!

Mom.

Dad.

Don't leave me!

I don't want to die.

Please help.

Click.

The front door slammed.

I was completely alone.

Never mind.

Maybe death would mean it didn't hurt anymore.

I curled up in the corner and quietly waited.

Laughter and conversation from a father and daughter downstairs reached my ears, which could still hear.

“Silly girl! Don't you know you're allergic to peanuts? You ate them anyway and nearly died!”

“I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't mean to. Don't tell Mom.”

“She knows already. She was so worried she strained her back, but she still cooked all your favorite dishes for when you got home. As long as you're all right. What parent would really hold a grudge against their child?”

Like a filthy rat in a sewer, I greedily watched a happiness that didn't belong to me.

In that moment, I felt utterly worthless.

I wanted it too.

To be loved by my parents.

To have them care about my food allergies.

Cook things I liked.

Nag me with concern like that.

But I was only the child who'd killed her brother.

A child who didn't deserve love.

Only...

Dad.

Mom.

I didn't want to die.

I really didn't want to die.

That day, I didn't.

At the last moment, I jumped from the window.

Someone found me and took me to the emergency department.

“Thank goodness she got here in time,” the doctor said. “Any later, and her life would've been in danger.”

Nearby, a mother peeled a tangerine and fed the segments to her daughter.

She smiled at me.

“Lucky you're all right. Otherwise, your parents would've been worried sick.”

Enviously, I watched her gently separate each segment and feed it to the girl.

In the reflection in the glass, I was alone.

Trying to comfort myself, as though proving something to everyone, I gave a loud laugh.

“Yes... my parents love me very much.”

Just then, the ward door flew open.

I saw Mom and Dad hurrying toward me.

Hurt welled up inside me.

Ignoring the pain, I tried to sit up.

Tears spilled down my face.

“Dad...”

“Mom...”

I was so scared.

So scared I'd die.

Could you hold me?

Just once.

Once would be enough.

But Mom seized my collar and dragged me off the hospital bed onto the floor.

The IV needle tore free.

Blood spurted.

“You little bitch! Pretending to be pitiful! You deliberately ate something you're allergic to, then jumped so everyone would know! You want the world to think your father and I abuse you? Ruin our reputation? Why didn't you just die when you jumped?”

I curled up and covered my head.

Kick after kick struck me.

I wasn't trying to hurt you.

I just didn't want to die.

I'd won my gamble with the third floor's height.

But lost my gamble on how much my parents hated me.

Through the glass, I saw Dad again.

He leaned against the wall, coldly watching Mom claw at me with her nails.

In the next bed, that other mother held her frightened daughter tightly, gently soothing her.

Outside the ward, onlookers stared at me with contempt and disgust.

Everyone seemed to think I was a vicious child.

The lie I'd gathered all my courage to tell—that my parents loved me—was torn apart in front of them.

I'd lied to you all.

My parents didn't love me.

They loved me least of anyone in the world.

From that day on, they cut off all my living expenses.

I applied to board at school.

My meals were one-yuan steamed buns from the canteen and free vegetable soup.

I slept in a sixteen-person dormitory, with only a straw mat and a thin blanket.

The few hundred yuan for the room consumed my entire scholarship every term.

Middle school.

Then high school.

Expenses kept growing.

All I could do was study day and night.

On every exam, I hoped for two more points, enough to win a scholarship and keep living.

I'd always thought that if I became better, my parents would love me again.

But when I brought home a nearly perfect paper and our relatives were praising me, Mom immediately objected.

“She's stupid! Not half as smart as Xiaojing. How could she get marks like these?”

Then a hard slap landed across my face.

“Tell me! Whose answers did you copy?”

My face burned.

My heart hurt so much I could barely breathe.

I wanted to disappear from the world.

Later, my homeroom teacher called to confirm my marks.

Mom merely glanced at the torn paper in the bin and curled her lip.

“What is there to boast about? Your brother got full marks in every subject. Unlike you, useless thing. Aren't you ashamed of showing off so little?”

Along with the shredded paper, my heart broke.

Mom and Dad liked a clever child like my brother.

Then I would try to erase myself.

Become him.

I threw myself even harder into studying.

Spring, summer, autumn, winter.

Heat rash.

Chilblains.

Mosquito bites.

Every year, they found me in their season.

When the university entrance exams ended and I walked out of the room, I finally had a chance to prove I was as outstanding as my brother.

This time...

Would my parents start loving me?