Chapter 15 Where I Would Live

Dalang came to my side and called softly.

His eyes held the firmness and warmth of youth.

“The house is settled.

“We can move in tomorrow.

“If you like, I’ll walk through the garden with you.

“You can plant whatever flowers you want.”

I looked at him, my eyes hot, and nodded.

“All right.”

My husband frowned.

“Lady Guo, withdraw.

“Everyone else, leave us too.”

Guo Yinuo went pale.

But he did not look at her. She could only go.

Soon, only the four of us remained: Dalang and me, my husband, and his mother.

“Dalang, where are your manners?”

“Please explain, Father.

“What have I done wrong?”

“You’re establishing a separate household.

“But your mother must, of course, remain here.”

My heart tightened at once. My fingers closed.

I understood.

Today would decide where I spent the rest of my life.

“Father, please hear me out.

“Mother is your lawful wife. Her formal position still belongs to this household.

“But there is precedent for a mother to live with her eldest son. It does not violate propriety.”

My husband drew his brows together.

“Nonsense.

“A woman must live with her husband.”

Dalang continued calmly, neither defiant nor submissive.

“Mother has raised me for more than ten years. I owe her more than I can repay.

“Now that I’ve made a name for myself, to abandon her here and enjoy my new residence alone would be unfilial.”

He lifted his head and met his father’s eyes. Every argument rested on accepted principles.

“Besides, His Majesty granted the new house to me as a civil official with no attachment to military power.

“From now on, I will follow a civil career, separate from the military branch of this family.

“My standing must rest on loyalty, filial duty, and an unblemished character.

“People will judge my conduct first.

“If I establish my own household and enjoy the emperor’s favor alone, leaving the mother who worked so hard to raise me in loneliness here, they will say I’ve forgotten her in my success—that I am cold and unfilial.

“That would dishonor the imperial favor and damage my reputation at court.

“My duty to my mother matters above all to my future.

“Her living with me will preserve my reputation as a dutiful son, the honor of this family, and His Majesty’s good opinion.”

His reasoning was sound, every point grounded in duty, propriety, an official’s reputation, and the emperor’s favor.

My husband had no immediate answer. His face stiffened.

His mother had long understood what was at stake.

Now she spoke and settled it.

“Dalang is right.

“For ten years in Nanshan, his mother gave up her own comfortable life so that he could devote himself to his studies.

“Now that he has succeeded and is establishing a house, leaving her alone would be cruel, improper, and harmful to his name at court.

“Let her go to his new residence to rest.

“That will fulfill his duty to her and preserve the reputation His Majesty has valued.”

She looked at my husband, her voice final.

“There is no need to discuss it further.

“From now on, she will live with Dalang in the new house. Mother and son can spend their later years together.

“I am still here to oversee this household, and Lady Guo can manage its affairs.

“That is enough.”

A few words had decided everything.

At last, my heart was at ease.

* * *

Moving house could not be done in a single day.

The new residence had to be cleaned and furnished. Everything had to be brought over in stages.

I could not leave the Zhenbei residence immediately.

That night, the candle flames stirred.

I sat alone at the window, looking into the darkness, my feelings tangled.

I had come back after so many years apart.

This household had long been no more than a title to me. It no longer had the warmth of home.

At midnight, footsteps sounded outside my courtyard.

There was a light knock.

Qinghe rose to open the door. When she returned, she spoke softly.

“My lady, it’s the heir.”

I hesitated, then stood.

He was beneath the veranda in ordinary clothes, moonlight falling on his shoulders.

Weariness marked his face.

He looked up at me.

Our eyes met.

It seemed an impassable barrier stood between us.

After so many years apart, husband and wife had become strangers.

He came slowly into the room. He did not sit, only stood looking at the place where I had once lived.

“A-Yun.”

His voice was rough.

“Do you really mean to go and live with Dalang?”

I nodded calmly.

“Yes.

“I’ll move once the new house is ready.”

Silence filled the room.

Only the candles crackled.

He wanted to say something.

Several times, he opened his mouth, but could not find the words.

The tenderness, the quarrels, the intimacy we had once shared—all of it had been worn away by the years.

Countless words lodged in his throat.

At last, unwilling to let it go, he asked, “That world you told me about when we were young, where men and women are equal… Does it really exist?”

I lowered my eyes without answering.

Whatever that world was like, in this one he had not kept our first promise.

“Take care of yourselves in the new house, you and Dalang.”

He stood there a little longer.